You Turn Nouns into Verbs
by LittleMermade
Summary: A collection of One-Shots to celebrate Steve and Natasha and Romanogers! Now complete!
1. Latibule

**This is the start of a new collection. For those who know me: October is here! This time will hopefully be the first time I post every day. I decided on doing Steve and Nat again! Sometimes as a couple, sometimes as friends and sometimes focused on one of them.**

**I was inspired by last year's chapter 3 (Hiraeth) and therefore I'm doing words this year as a theme. Each chapter will be a different word in a foreign language, dialect or sparsely used in the English language.**

**Disclaimer for the whole collection: I don't own the Avengers, unfortunately. I'm not making any money with this. The title is a part of the lyrics of Thunderclouds by LSD ft. Sia, Diplo, Labrinth, I also don't own that.**

**Let's start off with something sweet and cozy.**

**October 1st: Latibule  
(after AoU, Romanogers)**

_latibule [´la – **ti** – byul]; noun, English_

_a hiding place; somewhere no one could find you – a place of safety and comfort_

His steps echoed on the walls of the huge hangar. The building hosted a number of jets, cars and other vehicles, but it was still pretty empty. Steve felt more like an insect than a person crossing the space.

It had been a long day of training and testing new weapons and the sun had set hours ago. Despite being exhausted Steve didn't want to go to bed. Right after showering he had debated with himself if he should try to sleep, but he knew he wouldn't be able to in the first place. So instead he threw on some pants, plain shirt and trainers and started walking a path he had been on countless times since he had moved here.

Finally he reached the opposite corner of the hangar. He walked past a quinjet that was rarely used and pulled a small handle on the wall. If one didn't know they might miss that there was actually a door there. It was colored exactly the same as the wall and Steve assumed that room was a mistake that had happened while construction anyway.

* * *

He however had discovered it soon after moving in one night while 'exploring' the facility. It led to a relatively small room that was probably 110 ft2 in total. Only one small window allowed light and air into the tiny space.

There were half-empty cans of paint and a small stack of bricks in the room which were most likely forgotten there, after the builders had finished. The space that wasn't taken by those was filled up with mattresses and pillows. Maybe there once was a purpose for them, but the area was canceled on short notice. Now they were just sitting there.

It was strange, but whenever Steve was in that room, in that place that had only been a mistake, he could sleep. What didn't really seem to work in his own bedroom, a room designed to meet his needs, happened to be no issue in there.

* * *

The room had been his safe haven, and his alone, for a few months – until she came in. It was about 10 pm. when Steve was reading a book, sitting on top of two mattresses leaning on a pillow. Suddenly the door handle was pressed down the tiniest bit, but enough for him to look up immediately. A few seconds later the intruder opened it up completely. Natasha took a step into the room; however, she froze immediately when she spotted Steve sitting there.

The two Avengers kept staring at each other for what seemed like way too long before Nat quickly closed the door behind her. She looked around briefly before looking at him again. "Hey…"

He smiled and put the book down. "Hi, Nat."

Natasha cleared her voice before addressing him again, "What are you doing here? What even is this place?"

Steve shifted. "Well… I don't really know. I stumbled into this place one night and somehow it's really great. I come here sometimes. It feels like stepping out of this reality and entering a place where time and space don't exist. Oh my God… that sounds so stupid."

Natasha started to smile. "Nah… it doesn't, don't worry. I never even knew this existed so I get what you mean."

Steve didn't really know what else to tell her so he just put the book on the floor.

Nat started chewing on her bottom lip. "I don't mean to bother you… but do you mind if I stay for a bit?"

Steve put his legs down so she could sit on the mattresses too. "I would love that."

Nat grinned and plopped down next to him. "That's actually not too bad."

Steve chuckled. "I guess so… Good thing they forgot all this stuff in here."

Leaning against the wall Nat looked over to the building-supplies that were dimly lit in the moon-light. "Kind of sad they just forgot those here. I mean, how didn't they notice?"

Steve shrugged and looked over at her. "I guess they had way too much stuff anyway so they assumed someone threw this away."

For a while, they just sat in silence. It wasn't uncomfortable as those usually are. It felt right in a way to sit in this cubby and for once do nothing at all. They were busy enough during the day, so they might as well enjoy some silence.

* * *

It became an unspoken agreement between them to meet up in the hidden room in the walls of the hangar every once in a while. Sometimes they would meet daily, sometimes one of them wouldn't show, but all in all, it was not Steve's secret any longer, it was theirs.

In the beginning, they would just sit there together, sometimes they would talk. One day Nat fell asleep and started using Steve as a pillow and from then on they would cuddle. Soon they would come there to spend the night, holding each other tightly.

They didn't know who started it really, but one day they had started kissing. They never really talked about it; they just enjoyed their time in their little hideout.

Summer came and it was hot in the little space. There was no air condition for a room that shouldn't exist in the first place. None of them really wanted to skip their time together, however, so instead of them leaving, clothes were removed. And on that night they became more intimate than just kissing.

The hideout became the one place where they could dive headfirst into a relationship. They didn't really have time for that outside of that room. They had a team to lead, a family to maintain, a facility to run, the press to entertain and a world to save. There was no time and no energy to be together. But as Steve had stated, it felt like stepping out of this reality and entering a place where time and space didn't exist.

* * *

Carefully Steve pushed the 'secret door' open. Nat was already sitting on the stack of mattresses when he entered. They smiled at each other and Steve closed the door again. He sat down next to her and started running his fingers through her hair in silence.

After a while they were lying next to each other, Natasha's head close to Steve's chest so she could listen to his heartbeat.

Suddenly he spoke up softly, "We must be insane… we both have perfectly fine beds twice the size of this thing. But we still come here."

Natasha chuckled and turned so she could look at him. "That hits you now? Of course we are nuts. But at least we both are."

Steve grinned and pushed a strand of hair out of her face. "That's perfectly fine with me…"

Nat nodded and put one of her hands on his face. She drew circles on his cheek with her thumb before kissing him. Steve returned her kiss and pulled her closer again.

Natasha mumbled, "We don't need a nice bed. I'll prefer this any day…"

**Please follow this story if you liked that! There will be more over the course of the month :)**


	2. Saudade

**Thank you for following and faving this collection! :) I love feedback so if you have time you are welcome to review. Thanks for the people who already did a review. To clarify: The goal for this collection is to update every day during the month of October 2019. Most of it will be non-connected One-shots. If you don't like the premise of one you can skip and come back the next day! Thank you!**

**This one has character death and is sad. If you are looking for Endgame-fix-its, this is not it, I don't do that! Come back tomorrow if you don't want this.**

**October 2nd: Saudade  
(Endgame AU, Romanogers)**

_saudade [**sow** – dah – de]; noun, Portuguese_

_a nostalgic longing for something or someone that was loved and then lost, with the knowledge that it or they might never return; "the love that remains"_

He quickly left Stark Tower and disappeared into one of the quiet by-streets of New York. He changed out of his suit into more casual clothes to blend in with the crowd. Three down, three to go. It had been relatively easy to get rid of the Mind-Stone. He had just handed the box over to Alexander Pierce in the lobby, telling him Rumlow gave it to him to bring it here.

It was a bit uncomfortable to hand an Infinity Stone over to Hydra, but knowing that eventually, it would be okay did help. Now he was on his way to take the Time-Stone back to the Ancient One. He had asked everyone exactly where they had taken the stones from, so he could make sure they were practically never gone.

He had started with the Orb, the Power-Stone. That had been easy as well. Quill was still passed out and he could place the stone back into its cage without incident. Then he had traveled to Asgard to return the Aether and Mjolnir. That had been a… not so pleasant experience, but Rocket had warned him after all.

Now he climbed to the rooftop to fulfill Banner's promise. Steve didn't even need to look around when he was already greeted, "I see you have something for me."

He turned around to come face to face with a petite woman in a coat. "You must be the Ancient One, then."

She smiled and said, "I assume Dr. Banner introduced us in a way, yes. Did the Time-Stone help you?"

Steve nodded and opened the box so she could remove the green stone. "Yeah. You did a great deed to our reality, thank you."

The Ancient One took the stone back to her necklace and turned to look at the skyline. "You should thank Dr. Banner, he convinced me."

Steve hesitated before telling her, "Yes, sure. I'll thank him then."

She didn't turn again but started talking, "No you won't. I know you don't plan to return."

Steve looked at her skeptically and said, "How would you know that?"

Now she turned around again. "I see lots of things. The Stone allows it. And I see you made a decision to not return to the reality you called your own."

Shaking his head Steve was about to leave. "Probably that is what I'll be doing. Not that it is any of your business."

The Ancient One walked over to the edge of the platform. "Is it because of her?"

Steve stopped and said, "That doesn't matter anymore. It's done."

She looked at him briefly. "Come here."

Steve sighed and walked over to stand with her. They could look down on the streets. He saw the Avengers of 2012 walking to look for the Shawarma-place Tony had suggested. And there she was. Natasha was walking next to Clint. She was laughing about something he had said, Steve could almost hear her where he was standing. Her short red locks hugged her face perfectly.

Immediately he turned around and looked down. "I got to go. I still have two stones left."

The Ancient One nodded and continued to look down. "Of course. I didn't mean to hold you back."

Quickly Steve activated his time-travel-suit again but hesitated before pressing the button. He adjusted the control panel and then left. Once again he found himself outside the facility in New Jersey where Tony had taken the Tesseract, where he had been "made" all those years ago.

First he took the stone back. As soon as Tony had left the hall with his father Steve put the Tesseract back exactly where it had been taken from, seconds before. His eyes then focused on the last stone left in the case. Natasha. Was she in any way connected to this stone? Was there anything left of her? She hadn't deserved this.

With a sigh, Steve closed the case again. It probably wasn't a good idea to see Peggy again, especially since they were looking for Tony and Steve already probably. But he needed it. Since seeing Natasha in 2012 he couldn't stop thinking about her, about how there still might be a chance.

Steve turned around and walked into the building again. Discretely he stood in a corner near Peggy's office and looked through the window. She was still there. Her beautiful chocolate brown hair had gotten lighter, grey strands visible, but no less gorgeous.

Peggy had moved on to become a leader, a fierce and talented agent. She had lived to become a mother and in that year not yet grandmother. She had married and worked and laughed and lived and so had he.

When he had first woken up from the ice it had felt like everything had been stolen from him – his friends, his life, his one true love. But he had learned that there is more. He too had moved on. Over ten years living in a time that is not his, kind of made it his. He had changed his style in clothing and his haircut. He had made new friends; he had found a crazy, strange family called the Avengers. And he had continued to do what's most important to him – helping the people.

He had found love in a way. After he had gone on the run he thought he would probably never see Natasha again. Natasha who was never his, Natasha who had fallen for Bruce, who had always been his beacon when he was miserable; but he had been wrong. Not even two months later she had joined them. She had given up her position in Tony's new task force to be with him.

Tears welled in his eyes and he quickly looked down. He had never told Natasha how he had felt about her. They were living their lives so close together, but yet so far away from each other. And that is why he couldn't go back to Peggy. He needed to find Natasha; he needed to know what had happened to her.

He wasn't the same person as the man who had landed that plane in the water in the 40s and he kind of didn't want to be that guy any longer. Peggy and he had both lived lives so fundamentally different that it felt like a crime to destroy that for both of them.

Steve shook his head, stopped looking at her and walked out of the facility. There was still one stone he needed to take back and he would not leave Natasha there all alone. She deserved to come home. She deserved a funeral and a grave. She deserved someone to come visit her and to remember her. He needed at least that for her.

Without any further hesitation, Steve activated the white suit and found himself on a dark and foreign-looking planet. An eclipse was happening, but the shadow never moved. That must be Vormir. Steve tightened his grip on the box containing the last stone and started climbing the stony hill. He was going through all the facts that Clint had told him in his head, so he wasn't surprised when he saw a floating figure standing in the shadows on top. That was probably who Clint described as the 'red floating guy' and he could probably tell Steve what to do.

"Steven, son of Sarah" That voice, it was familiar. Steve took a step back when he recognized the Red Skull. His facial features were skeleton-like and his coat was ripped. That wasn't the same creature Steve had known all those years ago. "Schmidt… why are you here?"

The figure came closer and looked at Steve. "That was my name a long time ago, but now I am only the keeper of the stone. That is my curse."

Steve stepped forward and said, "No tricks?"

A weak laugh escaped the Red Skull. "I've been here for years and years, Captain. I can never leave. There is nothing I can do."

With a nod, Steve looked around. "So… how does this work?"

Red Skull kept his position while saying, "The stone is not here. It is with someone who earned it currently. When they lose the stone it will return. Only then you can come and claim it."

Steve shook his head. "No, that's not it. I'm bringing it back."

Now the cloaked figure backed off slightly. "Why would you do that?"

Steve opened the box to reveal the Soul-Stone. "We don't require its help any longer. I don't need it, I don't want it. It has taken everything from me…"

Red Skull reached out one hand and the stone started floating back to him. Steve interrupted him quickly and the stone stopped mid-air. "Wait! What happened to her? Where is she now?"

"The stone is home to more than one soul. Those who are offered as a sacrifice can never die, but can never live again. They are trapped to wander an empty void without a sense of time and without a choice forever."

Steve bit down on his bottom lip. Natasha was not supposed to suffer like that. "But I'm giving the stone back. Can't you let her go?"

Red Skull shook his head. "No. I told the one who brought her here that the exchange is permanent. That was the condition. A soul for a soul."

Steve sighed and looked down while the stone moved again and landed in Red Skull's hand. "Can I at least see her?"

Red Skull walked over to the cliff and Steve followed him. "I don't think so. The stone has her now."

Steve looked down and his heart ached for Nat, shivers ran down his spine. That's where she had died. _A soul for a soul. _Steve looked up immediately. "What was it that you said? A soul for a soul?"

With a nod of his head, Red Skull looked at him confused. Steve ran his fingers through his hair: "I want an exchange."

Still confused Red Skull looked him up and down. "I told you, giving the stone back does not count."

Steve shook his head and quietly said, "No, I mean my soul for hers."

When he said that the stone's orange glow got stronger and the Red Skull stared at him. "You want to die… for her?"

Steve nodded eagerly. "Exactly. The stone will still have a soul, but Natasha can live. Do it now."

Red Skull looked from him to the stone in awe. That had probably also never happened. The stone freed itself from the figure's hand again and produced a bright light. Steve covered his eyes partly. When the glow faded a figure emerged from it.

He recognized her in an instant. Her hair was vibrantly red, just as he remembered it, the tips were still blonde but in her braid, it was barely visible. She was a bit whiter than usual, but she was there. She was standing right in front of him. She was breathing – she was alive.

Without giving it a second thought Steve wrapped his arms around her and held her tightly. He had missed her so much over those past months. Every single moment without her had been painful. Knowing there was only emptiness where she should have been had crushed his heart.

Now she was there. She was with him again. He didn't want to let go. He felt her arms holding him tightly now, too. Her small voice broke the silence, "Steve?"

He smiled at the sound of her talking and quietly responded, "Yeah, Nat… I came back for you."

Slowly she forced the two of them out of the embrace to look at him. "But how? I thought I could never come back."

Her remark brought him back to reality. He couldn't stay with her. He had promised to stay so she could leave. "Nat… I… don't get angry now."

She looked at him, fear visible in her eyes, but stayed quiet to let him finish.

Steve took a deep breath and looked down. "We won against Thanos. The world is saved, he's gone, but unfortunately Tony is too. He sacrificed himself to save everyone else."

Nat brought a hand up to her mouth. Tony had been a good friend of hers and that was a blow.

Steve sucked on his bottom lip briefly before looking her in the eyes. "It's been a few months without him… and you… before I came here. I have returned all the other stones already. It's done. But I couldn't leave you behind. That's why I'll stay here."

Nat now started shaking her head furiously. "No! No, no, no! You are not! You will go back to care of the others and live your own life. I have done enough, I chose this."

Steve carefully touched her cheek with his hand and said, "No, you didn't. You chose this over letting Clint do it. That is not a fair choice. That's why you will go back. You'll be a nice aunt to Clint's children and to Morgan. You will take good care of the team. I have lived more than one life and I have never found something that truly made me happy – until I met you."

Natasha wanted to lecture him about letting her stay, but that last part had thrown her off. "Me? What do you mean?"

Steve tried to stop himself from shaking a bit, but couldn't quite do that so he put his second hand on her face. "From the first moment I ever saw you, Nat, I have loved you. I love you. You are the only thing that kept me going all those years and the past months have been hell for me. There is no world without you in it."

Her eyes filled with tears, but Nat didn't allow them to fall. She faintly whispered, "You can't stay here. I need you too. I don't want to leave without you."

Steve sighed when he felt his skin begin to shine in the glow of the stone. It was time. He started to remove his hands, but Nat held onto them there with her smaller ones. She hesitated before leaning into him and pressing a kiss to his lips.

With tears forming in his own eyes Steve returned the kiss before separating from her once and for all. He felt a strange sensation of weightlessness - like he was floating. For the last time, he looked at Nat, determined on memorizing all of her features so he could picture her every moment of every day where ever he was going.

He tried a small smile before closing his eyes and leaving her alone with the stone keeper, the Soul-Stone vanishing with him.


	3. Smaragdine

**This is from Steve's POV, enjoy.**

**October 3rd: Smaragdine  
(one-sided Romanogers, Steve-centered)**

_smaragdine [smuh – **rag** – din]; adjective, Middle-English_

_Emerald-green in color_

"Agent Romanoff, this is Captain Rogers." Their eyes met for the very first time. It was what he noticed first about the petite woman approaching them. It wasn't her fiery red hair or her cherry red lips or her fair skin. It was her deep green eyes. Resting waters, full of stories untold, met his confused raging blue waves. Two oceans clashed.  
"Hi." Her introduction was brief. She looked him up and down. There was a lock on her pupils that could not be broken. She was a secret diary he had no access to.

They all moved inside the ship they called a helicarrier. All of this was way too much for one day, maybe for a lifetime. He had been told a Norse-God had stolen a powerful weapon and killed and enslaved some of their agents. On top of that, he was now supposed to be part of a superhuman-team with people he didn't know, one of them Howard Stark's son. But somehow Natasha Romanoff made all of those things vanish into the background.  
He watched her on the control platform talking to other agents asking about one of those who had gone missing. Her eyes weren't calm anymore. The green lakes stirred. They darted around on the screen in front of her trying to find information on Agent Barton.  
Like grass disturbed by a gust of wind, she blinked the worry away.

They had fought aliens in New York and his life had changed drastically. From keeping to himself and shielding from this new world he had now left the city he had grown up in. In DC he had started a list of things to learn and to do, to listen to and watch, to read and to visit. And his new partner was certainly refreshing too. Natasha was what he would call, a challenge.  
Sometimes she would completely abandon the plan on missions and be a danger to all of them. They were both bruised and battered up from the fight and the bomb exploding on the pirate-ship. Steve looked at his partner with a stern expression. Emerald-green orbs looked back, determined and unnerved.  
Her eyes glittered before she rolled them. They had a job to do.

"Kiss me… Public displays of affection make people very uncomfortable." Her eyes flashed, they were focused and wide. He hesitated. "Yes, they do…" Without any further warning, she pulled him closer and pressed her lips to his. He couldn't say it wasn't a nice kiss – it was, but he had never expected to kiss her. A part of him had hoped to kiss her, a different part had hoped not to in order to not make their partnership complicated. He was still baffled when they broke apart and stepped off the escalator. They walked outside quickly and he side-eyed her.  
She started grinning and the smile reached her eyes. The green gems glittered in the sunlight and the color split up into what felt like a million different shades. They sparkled with amusement. This was her game now.

Carefully he put her down on the grass. He had run fast and far. For sure they wouldn't find them so easy right now. Zola had shaken them up.  
Steve swallowed hard before brushing Nat's hair out of her face. He watched the steady rise and fall of her chest to calm himself down. Her eyes were closed, hidden behind her eyelids. Steve checked her for deeper cuts or other injuries but couldn't find any. He stopped when she stirred. Slowly she opened her eyes again. Confusion and, he could swear, it was fear that was visible in those beautiful emeralds. He quickly put a hand on her shoulder to keep her from rising. "It's okay, Natasha… we are alone. We made it out of there."  
The broken water in her green sea calmed immediately. Her voice came out husky and quiet. "Steve, are you okay?"  
He smiled at her and said, "Yes… it's alright. I'm not hurt."  
She shook her head slowly. "No, I don't mean that."  
It took a moment for him to understand, but then he removed his hand and carefully helped her sit up. "Yeah… there is still time for us to fix this. But first, we need a place to hide."  
Natasha took a deep breath. "That's not that easy anymore…"  
Their eyes met again. She was puzzled, confused, but she did her best to hide it. However, he slowly gathered the ability to see through her façade. "I think I know a guy."

Hydra was no more. After all those years of hiding behind S.H.I.E.L.D. that parasite was finally gone. They were standing at the graveyard. Fury had decided on laying low for a bit and actually staying dead. Steve met Natasha who handed him what he had been looking for for so long. It was a clue to find Bucky. Maybe he would be able to make it right, to save his best friend over 70 years too late. Nat smiled a small smile and let go of the file. "Be careful, Steve. You might not want to pull on that threat."  
There was a flicker in her eyes. She was smiling but her eyes spoke a different language. He would not call it worry, but maybe concern. He had grown fond of her and it seemed like she had also turned a liking to him.  
A small peck on his cheek and she was gone, just like that. Steve watched her walk away, the question if and when they would meet again lingering in the back of his mind. And smaragdine eyes carefully hid her tears as she walked away.

It had been a while. He had been on his quest to find Bucky and she had traveled lots to reestablish her status as a spy. Now they were living together in the same building. Stark had invited all of them to stay in his tower in case the Avengers needed to assemble. After what had happened in DC he was a bit paranoid. He hadn't even realized what had gone down until Nat, Sam and Steve had already operated alone.  
It was strange at first between them. The distance was lingering and that's what reflected in Natasha's eyes – distance. She was glancing at him over the dinner table, insecure about what exactly was the deal between them. Neither of them wanted to talk about it. They settled on just looking at each other from afar.

They had started calling each other by their last names after a few weeks. It felt right. Nat looked out of the window. At first, there had still been indecision, now it was only an uncomfortable shimmer of the past that just wouldn't stay dead. Steve started going out more, started meeting new people who he knew through Sam. Nat turned to Tony and eventually got to know Bruce better. This was fine. Her eyes got a little duller and settled on content.

Soon Steve started noticing a new emotion, vibrant and blossoming. Nat's emerald eyes started shimmering again, started challenging, started flirting, but not when she spoke to him. When Bruce was joking around with her she was glowing and finally, her smile reached her eyes again. She was happy and he was happy for her.  
Everything in Stark's tower seemed to be made of glass. He looked down before turning around to look for something to drink. Natasha was leaning on the bar. She was sipping on her drink before she put it down and looked at Bruce again. She had doves' eyes. Steve looked away quickly. Maybe this wasn't fine after all.

Carefully Nat leaned on Clint for support. Whatever Wanda Maximoff had shown her, it had deeply upset her. Steve walked a few steps behind them, but he had seen her on the quinjet. Her eyes were deep voids, dark and full of terrors. They weren't emerald green as usual. They resembled a deep forest that couldn't be escaped. They walked inside the house and everything he used to know was questioned all at once.  
Clint's lovely family greeted them. When the surprise left his features he focused on Nat again. The joy was back as she held the children in her arms. All the horror and darkness left her eyes altogether and was replaced by love and adoration. She cared for these children as if they were her own. And that planted the thought of having children with her in his head. Quickly Steve shook it off and he followed Thor outside.

They had almost lost, Sokovia had almost fallen to shatter the world into a million pieces – but then it didn't. Suddenly everyone retired and Steve and Nat were left behind to train new recruits, New Avengers. Bruce was gone. Steve wasn't worried he would get hurt, the Hulk couldn't get hurt, but if the quinjet hadn't crashed on earth it could be God knows where now. Natasha was looking out of windows a lot. She was checking her phone for messages from Tony constantly, but there was nothing. Whenever he asked her, she claimed to be fine, but he could see it in her eyes.  
The darkness was back. Deep sadness painted lines of worry on her forehead; tired green eyes met his steel blue ones. She wasn't fine, but she wasn't ready to open up, yet.

Time flew by and the new recruits became a real team. And then the explosion happened. What should have killed him and a dozen people at the market instead killed the Wakandan delegation. And soon, when he did already have enough problems, the message he had feared for years arrived. Peggy was dead.  
He was leaning against one of the pews inside the church. The funeral was over but he didn't feel like going home, he didn't feel like dealing with the Sokovia Accords, with Tony Stark and with the king of Wakanda. He didn't feel like doing anything ever again.  
The clicking of heels got closer and closer and when he looked up, Nat was standing in front of him. Her black dress was in contrast to her red hair and emerald eyes. She smiled a small smile and they started talking.  
"Then what are you doing here?" Steve trusted her and she trusted him, but really she should be elsewhere. The tension that had been in the air for that whole funeral was getting thinner and thinner, just because she was there now.  
Natasha smiled again. Her eyes were filled with sympathy and comfort. "I didn't want you to be alone."

It broke his heart and it felt like he had lost her. She was standing on the other side, standing with Tony and now they were face to face in front of the quinjet. Her eyes mirrored his denial that it had escalated that far; Conflict about what to do. He wanted to say something when her shaking hand shifted a bit and the Widow's bite missed his shoulder. Steve wheeled around and saw it hit Black Panther. Quickly he turned again and Nat was shooting again. "Go!"  
He nodded, grateful, and they ran.

It was over. Steve had broken the others out of that prison. He was still a bit angry because Tony had put them in there in the first place, but he was ready to help the guy out. So he sent him the phone. That turned out to be a good decision because it led her back to him. After a few weeks his phone suddenly rang; It was Tony, or so he thought.  
With his hand shaking, he answered, "Tony?"  
A female voice greeted him on the other end of the line, "No… Steve, it's Nat. Tony doesn't know I'm calling."  
He hesitated for a moment. "Nat, are you okay? What's going on?"  
She struggled for words. "No… I mean, yes! I'm okay. It's just… I can't live like this anymore."  
Now worry was washing over him. "Like what? Are they hurting you?"  
He knew she was shaking her head now, her eyes teary and her voice broken. "No, no. But they won't let me leave the house on my own. They are controlling my phone, my Stark-Pad, my laptop… everything. I… I miss you terribly."  
Steve didn't know what to say. She missed him – or probably all of them and she hadn't known how to voice that. He considered their options for a moment before answering, "You know we can get you anytime… but that would mean, you can't go back again."  
She almost interrupted him, "Yeah, I don't care. Please get me."

And suddenly she was back in his life. They fought together again, they started joking around again. They started talking like before Ultron had happened, they were close again. She became his everything. When he looked her in the eyes he saw hope, trust and reassurance. While she was his strength, she was also his weakness.  
He saw Wanda getting closer to Vision, allowed her to meet him every now and then. He was longing for what they had, but it wasn't so easy for him. While Natasha was close, when it came to that, she was far away. He didn't even know how to feel about her anymore and so he just let it be. And then there was the one call that changed everything.

He was sitting on the ground next to Vision's limp discolored body. Everything was so surreal. They were all gone. Suddenly he heard steps behind him and out of the corner of his eye, he could see Natasha stopping behind him. He let out a breath, half of defeat half of relief. "Oh God…"  
She was alive. Slowly he rose from the ground and turned around to face her. She was dirty and bruised. She was broken, her eyes were teary and wide. They were utterly defeated.

After they had confronted Thanos in the garden everything got worse. He watched her lose hope and get more tired, more devastated each day. She tried to keep up a bit of composure when she was talking to the others, but with him she let her guard down. In the beginning they had cried together, soon he was empty and beyond the point of crying. So he just held her in his arms while she cried. He watched her eyes become duller and redder, tired. She was exhausted.  
There was no cheering her up anymore and seeing her that way was the last blow for him – and he left. He still visited, but he couldn't live there any longer.  
Everything was miserable until that faithful day Scott Lang showed up at their front door. And he saw a shimmer of hope in her eyes again – hope they would finally make it right, hope that they would come out of this; together.


	4. Matutinal

**Now that we have confirmation after Endgame that Steve could have lifted Mjolnir back in AoU I can safely write this and still assume some stuff xD.**

**October 4th: Matutinal  
(during AoU, Steve and Nat friendship)**

_matutinal [**ma** – chú – t__ī__ \- n__ǝl__]; adjective, Middle-English_

_of, relating to, or occurring in the morning, early; just before the dawn_

Natasha was sitting on the couch. She had turned it around 180° so she could face the window. It was between 4 and 5 in the morning and she hadn't slept. What had happened earlier that night hadn't left her alone. It had been a nice party but then that robot had to show up. Stark had immediately set up his systems to track Ultron, but there was no result yet. They had all gone to bed not too long ago, but Nat hadn't even attempted to rest.

Now she was just sitting there, waiting for the sunrise and for something to happen. Suddenly footsteps echoed through the space behind her and the automatic lights turned on. Nat turned around to face the person and smiled a bit. "Oh… it's you."

Steve jumped lightly when he heard her soft voice breaking the silence. He turned to face her before speaking up. "Good morning… I didn't see you there."

She nodded. "Yeah… sorry to startle you."

Steve shook his head and walked over to where she was sitting. "No, it's okay. I just didn't expect someone to be up already."

Natasha moved around on the couch so he could sit down next to her. "I couldn't sleep at all. This situation is stressing me out."

Steve popped down next to her and sighed. "I understand… I hate it too when I don't know what's going on."

Nat smiled and looked out of the window again. "Hopefully Tony will find that robot soon."

Staring out of the window, too, Steve said, "I'm worried about Tony…"

Nat frowned. "Why that?"

Steve leaned back. "I'm afraid he will blame himself and that always makes him irrational."

Nat looked down briefly. "You might be right, but let's hope this will soon be over and we can stop dealing with it, the scepter alone was enough to worry about."

A small smile reached Steve's lips. "I'm sure it will be alright. We've been through lots of stuff together and it always turned out to be okay."

"Sure thing… then we can go back to partying." Natasha started grinning at her own comment.

Steve rolled his eyes. "Yeah… I think I'll leave that to Stark and you."

Pulling her feet up Nat responded teasingly, "Why? Didn't you have fun tonight?"

His eyes followed one of the taxis on the streets and Steve smirked. "I did… It was great to see Tony try to become the ruler of Asgard."

Nat chuckled. "Yeah, he probably shouldn't have challenged Thor."

Steve grinned. "Clint started that thing, who else would? Why didn't you try?"

Shaking her head Natasha now looked at him. "I don't want that thing or Asgard. And it wouldn't have moved an inch anyway."

Steve's eyes lingered on her for a few seconds then he focused on the stairs where Thor had left his hammer. In the fight that had gone down nobody had picked up anything really. Parts of the Iron Man suit were scattered on the kitchen counters, Steve's shield was resting against a chair and a few arrows were still stuck in the walls.

Nat turned to see what he was looking at and stopped. "No, I told you no."

Steve grinned sheepishly. "I'm not telling anyone. You don't need to rule Asgard if you can lift it."

Natasha rolled her eyes and punched him lightly. "Oh shut up! I can't lift it anyway."

He shrugged and rose from the couch. "In that case, there's nothing to win or lose."

Natasha crossed her arms in front of her chest. "There is one condition."

Steve looked at her puzzled and said, "And that is?"

Natasha looked up at him. "You pick up that thing properly and after that, I'll try."

Steve froze and looked from her to Mjolnir again. "You saw that I can't. Why do I have to try again?"

Natasha grinned. "I'm not an idiot, Cap. The others were way too satisfied that you failed, too. But I saw that hammer budge, you didn't want to offend Thor – so you stopped."

Steve sighed and looked down. "If I do it you'll try?"

Natasha nodded and stood up as well. "I promise."

Steve hesitated but then he led the way over to the stairs. He looked at Thor's weapon before grabbing it with his right hand. Natasha stood next to him eagerly waiting. "Come on, it's only you and me."

Steve looked down. Then he picked up Mjolnir and held it in front of him. Natasha punched the air and her grin grew wider. "Yes! This is so weird…"

Still somehow in disbelief, Steve started moving the hammer around experimentally. "Yes, weird… that's probably the closest to what I would call it."

Natasha studied him curiously and said, "Is it heavy?"

Steve lightly shook his head and held Mjolnir out to her. "No, not at all. Try it yourself."

Natasha took a step back and shook her head. "No, place it down! I don't want to break my arm."

Steve chuckled and carefully put the weapon down on the floor again. He stepped back and looked at her with anticipation. "Your turn, Natasha."

Nat hesitated before stepping closer. Her eyes darted to the door before she eyed Steve again.

Steve smiled. "There's no one coming… Come on, if I can do this, so can you!"

Natasha took a deep breath. "Steve… There's no way I…"

He interrupted her immediately, "You promised."

Natasha sighed, looked at him for reassurance and grabbed the hammer with her right hand. "Well… here goes nothing." She hesitated a moment longer before pulling lightly. With ease, Mjolnir started rising from the ground. Immediately Natasha dropped it, shell-shocked. A short metallic sound filled the air, but it hadn't been high enough to make a dent on the floor.

Steve smiled and patted her on the back. "Look who is worthy!"

Natasha had lost her ability to speak and just stared at the hammer. After a few more seconds she stuttered, "But… but… I… how?"

Steve started grinning at her dumbfounded expression again. "It doesn't matter if you deem yourself worthy, otherwise Tony would have lifted it."

Nat now slowly started grinning, too. "Stop! It's not funny…"

Steve chuckled lightly. "Seems funny to me if it makes you smile."

As the first rays of sunlight started to illuminate the room, Steve and Nat looked outside the window again. They stood in silence for a while before Natasha turned to face him again. "Let's make some coffee… or else I'll be dying later today."

Steve nodded. "Yeah, good idea. But first, let's put the hammer in front of the fridge so the others can't open it. Thor will be majorly confused why it's there."

Natasha started laughing and shook her head. "Who knew you were such a prankster, Rogers."

Steve grinned as Natasha carefully picked up Mjolnir and they walked over and into the kitchen.


	5. Effleurage

**A nice and simple short one for today. Thanks for reading and a special thank you to Chrinstine-Danielle for reviewing every day! I appreciate that. **

**October 5th: Effleurage  
(during CATWS, Romanogers)**

_effleurage [**eh** – fluor – ruhj]; noun, originally French_

_light touch, to skim; stroke as one would a flower_

The hospital room was dimly lit, but she had opened the blinds to allow some light inside. Steve was still unconscious, but not in a life-threatening condition anymore. They had done surgery for hours, trying to remove the bullets while Steve's body did its best to heal around them. She had watched for about an hour, but it was too much for her. Just when she had thought she had lost Fury, she couldn't lose another friend.

He had drifted in and out of consciousness because narcotics didn't do a very good job on Captain America. So they had to restrain him on the operating table. When he had first woken up he had screamed and she had bitten down on the insides of her cheeks until they were bloody. They had managed to sedate him again.

When he had woken again he had comprehended what was going on. He had tried his hardest to stay calm, to stay quiet, but it was just horrible. Natasha had wanted to bang against the glass, had wanted to run inside to let him know he wasn't alone – but instead, she had kept standing there, staring and praying for it to end.

She had watched him struggle and with every minute her urge to kill all of the doctors who were apparently trying to kill him had grown. So she left. And she sat in the waiting area. And she cried until she couldn't cry anymore.

Finally a nurse had told her surgery was over and Steve was recovering. Immediately she had gone to his room so he wouldn't be alone anymore.

Now it was over and he was sleeping soundly. A couple of hours had passed. Nat hadn't left the bedside since he had come out of surgery. Her eyes were still red from crying. Her clothes were dirty and so was her hair. She hadn't been home before coming to the hospital. She had been the one to find Steve by the riverbank and she had refused to stay behind when medics had arrived.

Everything was way too quiet. One of the nurses had turned off the sound on the machines next to Steve's bed so they would only beep if there was a problem. Natasha kept looking at Steve, his chest moving up and down softly.

He almost looked peaceful if it weren't for the huge hematoma on his face. The bruise had started healing already and it turned purple and blue. Hesitantly Nat raised her hand to touch his face. She brushed his hair out of his forehead before absentmindedly raked her fingers through.

After a while she stopped and wanted to remove her hand but when she reached his forehead again she decided against it. Softly she stretched out her fingers and felt his cool skin. He wasn't feverish luckily. She looked at him for a second before lightly brushing past his eyebrow. She stopped right next to the swollen bruised skin.

Nat stayed like this for about a minute before gently moving her pointer down his hairline and resting her hand on his cheek. There was one cut that was still bleeding the tiniest bit next to her thumb. Nat observed the injury carefully, memorizing every little scratch that had caused him pain.

She started chewing on her bottom lip before grazing over his bottom lip with three fingers. He had a cut there that was already scabbed-over. She brought her fingers together and stroked him under the chin softly. With a sigh, she let go and shook her head. "What have you gotten yourself into, Rogers?"

The sound of the door opening brought her thoughts back into the room and she looked up immediately. Sam walked in quickly and closed the door again. He had changed into a fresh shirt and a dark-grey jacket with jeans.

Sam looked Nat up and down while carefully picking his words. "You okay? I mean… did they patch up your injuries."

Natasha's voice came out broken and she immediately cleared it before continuing. "Yeah… ahm. I mean, I'm not really hurt that much. How are you doing?" Nat noticed small red lines on the side of his face, most of them already scabbed-over, but one appeared to have needed stitches.

Sam smiled a little. "Good… they fixed me up pretty quickly and showering is a nice feeling too. Maybe you should go home and…"

Nat interrupted him quickly, "No, it's okay. I'm good."

Sam pushed a chair over from the wall to sit next to her. "I don't mean to offend you, but you look not too good to me."

Nat sighed and looked down. She embraced Steve's hand with both of hers and didn't look up while saying, "I can't leave him here. I need to stay."

Sam looked at the hands briefly before speaking up again, "Look, Natasha… I don't really know what's going on between the two of you, but you need to look after yourself, too. I'm here now."

Natasha started chewing on her lip again. Then she looked up to meet Sam's eyes. "I know, that's good. But I want him to know I care."

Sam started smiling again. "Steve already knows that, trust me. And if he wakes while you're home I'll be here, so he won't be alone."

Uncertain on what to do Nat nodded slowly. "You're right… I should go home. Steve would not like to see me dirty and sad."

Sam nodded quickly and said, "He would be furious at me for not looking after you."

Natasha managed a smile and squeezed Steve's hand briefly. Then she rose from her chair and looked at him again. Hesitantly she bowed down and brushed his forehead with her lips.

Sam followed her with his eyes as she started walking towards the door. "Take care. And get some rest."

Natasha didn't turn around while answering, "Thank you. Take care of him for me." Then she pushed the door open and left the hospital room behind.


	6. Schnapsidee

**So today I hung out with some friends today and we were day-drinking. Now let's see if slightly drunk me can write very drunk Natasha. xD I'm also excited because it's my first German word today. This one-shot contains a reference to Game of Thrones. For those of you who did not watch that I'll explain here beforehand:**

**Tyrion Lannister's drinking game is a game played by two people or two teams of people. Tyrion himself explains it as follows: "I make a statement about your past, if I'm right you drink, if I'm wrong I drink." There is no winner or loser. You stop when you're too drunk or too upset.**

**Btw, thanks for all the nice reviews and for following the collection. Also thanks for following me! :)**

**October 6th: Schnapsidee  
(post AoU, before Civil War, Romanogers)**

_Schnapsidee [**ˈʃnaps** – i – d__e·__]; noun, German_

_An impractical idea which seems brilliant when one is drunk; But also: a really daft idea you had when you were sober but that was _so stupid _you might as well have been drunk when you had it _

Music was coming from the common room of the New Avengers Facility past 9 pm. Natasha was sitting on a barstool, martini in hand, while chatting with Wanda who had put a mirror on one of the chests to get ready. Her own martini was sitting next to her make-up-bag. She was wearing a short red dress and a black cardigan while Nat was already in her pajamas which consisted of army-green shorts and a Hard Rock Café shirt.

Nat was taking another sip before addressing her friend again, "So who are those people you're meeting again?"

Wanda grinned while working on her eyebrows. "It's just friends I met while chilling at the mall with Sam a few weeks ago. They are nice people, don't worry."

Natasha sighed. "Hey! I'm not worried, especially about you. Just… don't drink too much. You only even reached the legal age a few weeks ago and…"

Wanda turned around to face Nat when she finished her eyebrows. "Come down, mom! The legal age in Sokovia is 17, so I've had plenty of practice before coming here."

Natasha was about to comment that but decided on just nodding and emptying her glass. Wanda turned back around and took a sip from her own glass before picking up her mascara. "Are you sure you don't want to join us? It will be fun to go dancing together."

Nat shook her head. "No no… you go ahead and have fun. I'm afraid my times of going out are mostly over. I'm over 30 years old, you know?"

Wanda chuckled and turned around briefly. "You don't look a day older than me."

Rolling her eyes Nat mixed herself another drink. "Yeah, sure. You're such a charmer."

When she was satisfied with her make-up Wanda closed the make-up-bag and put it inside a drawer to pick it up tomorrow. She emptied her glass as well and joined Nat at the bar.

Wanda quickly mixed herself another drink as well, but only filled the glass halfway. It was almost half-past 9, the time she was supposed to be picked up. Nat watched, condoning the alcohol consumption. It had been her bad habits after all that had started this pre-drinking when Wanda had asked which dress Nat liked better.

Now, being a few glasses in and having had more to drink than Wanda, since the other woman had been doing her make-up for over half an hour, Nat was starting to feel a bit tipsy. She had even thought about going out with Wanda, but that made her uncomfortable, really.

They started to chat about the events of the day, before the doorbell rang. Wanda quickly drank the last belt of her cocktail before rising from the barstool. She grabbed her handbag and said goodbye to Nat before she was out of the door.

Nat shouted a quick 'Take care!' after her before turning down the music a bit and putting the glasses in the sink. While doing that she heard the door open again. Confused she shouted out, "Wanda, did you forget something?"

A male voice responded, "It's not Wanda." Steve appeared in the doorframe of the common-area. He looked glum; his usual straight posture was slumped. He closed the door behind him and greeted Nat briefly.

She eyed him and stopped what she was doing. "Steve… what happened?"

He just shook his head and sat down at the bar. "It's okay, Nat… I just didn't have the best of days."

Natasha walked over again and sat down opposite of him. "A penny for your thoughts?"

Steve put his elbows on the table and hesitated. "Well… I've visited Peggy today. She's sick, Nat… it's never good when elderly people get sick. It's so much harder for them to recover. I've tried to comfort her, but she's sad all the time."

Nat sighed softly. "I know, you want to help her in any way possible, but you did your best by spending time with her. The nurses take good care of her."

Steve nodded. "I know… but I hate to see her like this. She doesn't deserve this."

Considering her options for a moment Nat spoke up again. "Don't be so down… come on, let me cheer you up."

Steve frowned. "I guess I'll just go to bed. I'll feel better about it in the morning."

Nat shook her head. "No, I can't let that happen. You'll feel better right now."

Steve knew he wouldn't be able to change her plans once she had made them so he just complied. "Fine… what are you doing to cheer me up in particular?"

Nat smiled and put the bottle of Gin they had used for the martinis between her and Steve. "Let's play a drinking game."

Steve managed to crack a smile and shook his head. "Nat, no. You know I can't get drunk."

Retrieving two new shot-glasses from the cabinet Nat sat back down. "It's not about getting drunk, it's about the game, silly."

Clearly a bit amused by that Steve answered, "Okay then… What do you suggest? Like, truth or dare?"

Nat shook her head quickly. "No, that's not fun anymore. I thought of 'Never have I ever' or something like that."

Steve looked at her incredulous. "Do you really think that is a good idea? It's usually not so pleasant things that come out…"

Nat grinned. "So you have something to hide from me after all, Rogers. You know what, let's make this a bit more interesting! Let's play Tyrion Lannister's drinking game!"

Steve hesitated for a moment before nodding. "Okay, I would still prefer going to bed, but if you insist…"

Nat interrupted him quickly and poured the first two shots. "Yes, I insist. And since I am nice, you can start."

"Okay, in that case I will also start nice." Steve looked down at the alcohol briefly before facing Nat again. "You have never been to Russia again after you joined S.H.I.E.L.D."

"Oh… come on! I probably told you that. Make it a bit more interesting!" Nat picked up her glass and downed the shot. Immediately she poured a new one. "Try to guess spicy things you always wanted confirmed or denied because I will do that!"

Steve sighed and leaned back a bit. "Fine… but don't be upset." When Nat quickly shook her head Steve continued. "You have slept with more than one man for information."

Nat smiled mischievously and picked up the shot. She downed the Gin inside the small glass once again.

Steve nodded briefly and watched her pour another one. "I guess I don't need details on that, thank you… Let's see…" He hesitated for a moment before stating, "You have had sex with Clint before."

"Hell nah!" Natasha giggled and shook her head. "Gross!"

Steve grinned and Nat was satisfied he was more cheerful now. She crossed her arms in front of her chest. "Drink! And then it's my turn." Steve rolled his eyes briefly and drank the shot.

Steve filled the glass again and put his elbows on the table, supporting himself onto it. Nat thought about it briefly before saying, "You haven't kissed more than three women in your life, not counting mommy of course."

Steve just shook his head and thought about it. "Nah… it must have been at least seven."

Nat quickly downed her shot, then blinked a few times and her grin widened. "Can you rank me?"

A little laugh escaped him. "This is not what we are playing here and it's my turn again now!"

Natasha faked pouting for a few seconds before bursting out laughing again at the look Steve gave her.

Steve poured Nat another drink and fumbled with the sleeve of his shirt. He waited for her to stop laughing before he carefully stated. "You have been married before."

Nat stared at him in some sort of shocked state before picking up the glass and drinking. "Where did that come from?"

Steve shrugged. "I heard Clint talk about it before so I kind of wanted to know."

Sighing Nat played with her glass. She didn't look at him. "Okay then… it was a long time ago and I was still a spy for the KGB. I was getting better and soon became the best assassin they had out of that girls-program. So they figured, before I'd get my 'graduation-ceremony' they would marry me to the best male-recruit they had and we should give them a prodigy baby they could make into a weapon even more effectively than us.

"I was married a week before my 16th birthday to a man two years older. It lasted three months and he didn't manage to get me pregnant before being killed on… on a mission. That's when they gave me a name – the Black Widow and I also received the… graduation ceremony."

Steve just nodded in sympathy. Nat had told him about her inability to have babies shortly after they had formed the new team when they one night shared their visions Wanda gave them. But this was news to him. He smiled at her to make her feel better. "Thanks for telling me that. You should continue, I think it's fair after that."

Nat nodded briefly before considering her options. Her speech was slightly slurred by this point. "I'd say… knowing… you are quite the ladies-man now. You have hooked up with at least one person."

Steve smiled and sighed. "I knew this would be coming up." He picked up the Gin and downed it quickly.

Natasha's eyes widened and she almost fell off her stool. "Nooo! I'll need a story."

Steve looked at her incredulous. "Are you sure? It's not particularly romantic."

Nat just nodded and looked at him with anticipation.

Steve sighed and started speaking, "It was during the war. We were somewhere in Germany, close to Munich. Other soldiers just treated everything they came across as their belongings, women too. I wouldn't allow that of course so my boys resorted to… gentlemen's clubs. I did eventually join them that day and I met a charming young woman, whom I paid for her services. But it was nice, not that you mean to pity me now. No… I chose that."

Nat was silent for a while before nodding and saying, "But… but that was it, right? There was no… no one in this century?"

Steve smiled. "Is that a question or an assumption now? I mean, it's still your turn…"

Nat looked down at the glasses again. "It's an assumption."

Steve took the Gin bottle, quickly poured himself a shot and drank it.

Not quite sure, what to make of all this new information Natasha fixed her hair with one hand before standing up, almost stumbling. Steve quickly rose from his seat and supported her. Natasha looked at him before saying, "I don't want to play any longer."

He nodded. "Yeah. That's probably a good idea. You should go to bed."

"I have a better idea." Without hesitation, Nat pulled him closer and started kissing him.

Steve was frozen in surprise and didn't kiss her back. Gently he pushed her away from his face but still supported her. "Nat, stop…"

Disappointed she looked up at him and said, "Why? Don't you wanna come to ma room with me?"

Steve smiled. "Actually no… it's been a long day, you are clearly drunk and this is maybe not what you want."

Nat grinned before getting closer to him again. "Oh, I wan' it. Don't worry."

Steve sighed. He knew he needed to get her to bed so she would fall asleep immediately. He considered his options before kissing her briefly. "Okay, let me take you to your room."

Returning his kiss Natasha held on to him and said, "Yeah, let's go."

Carefully Steve picked her up and carried her towards the elevator. It wasn't that he wouldn't like to be with Nat, it just felt like he was taking advantage of her. He got onto the elevator and took her to her room where he placed her on the bed.

Natasha pulled him down and started kissing him again while clumsily unbuttoning his shirt. Steve stopped her by taking her hands in his and sat down next to her. Confused she looked at him. "What?"

Steve looked her in the eyes and said, "Nat… I don't mean to upset you. You are a beautiful woman and I can see something between us if that is what you want too… but not tonight, okay?"

Slightly tilting her head Natasha looked at him. "But why not now then? We're already… here."

Steve smiled. "Yes, but I respect you. You are my partner and one of the bravest women I know. I won't ruin that respect now."

Natasha tried to process what he just said and just kept looking at him, not sure what to say.

After sitting in silence for about a minute Steve spoke up again, "Let's make a deal, alright? I'm going to leave now and we can talk tomorrow."

Nat blinked a few times before nodding. "A'right…"

Steve let go of her slowly and rose from the bed. He walked over to the door but stopped in the frame and quietly said, "Good night."

From her direction, he heard a 'Good night' back and closed the door behind him.


	7. Lacuna

**Okay, so apparently I am obsessed with the Vormir-scene in Endgame. This time I am inspired by an interview I read where Markus and McFeely are talking about earlier states of the script. There was a version where Clint would sacrifice himself, but the visual effects producer Jen Underdahl had told them, "Don't you take this away from her."  
They also said, it would be too melodramatic to have Clint die, but let's still explore it because I am melodramatic xD**

**Thank you so much for all the wonderful reviews! I'm beyond happy people like this! You can, of course, criticize too, but please write exactly what you did not like otherwise, it's not helpful. I may continue yesterday's post later this month when I feel like doing that, but not today and likely also not tomorrow.**

**October 7th: Lacuna  
(Endgame-AU, mild Romanogers)**

_lacuna [luh – **kyoo** – nuh]; noun, Latin_

_an unfilled space or interval; a gap. A blank or missing portion in a manuscript. a missing part_

Quickly Hawkeye bobbed up and grabbed an explosive arrow out of his quiver. Before she reached the cliff Clint shot and made Nat fall to the side by the force of the explosion. He started running toward the cliff himself now and was about to jump when a grappling hook wrapped around his waist, knocking him down backward.

Natasha quickly disconnected from the rope and tried to pass him, but Clint managed to wrap his arms around her leg and catch her before she could jump. He pulled her towards him and held onto her waist. The rope around him had loosened and fallen to the ground.

Natasha struggled and kicked in order to break free from his firm grip, but he held on, literally for dear life – but not his. She let out a frustrated cry. "Clint, let me go! Let me do this!"

He groaned as one of her feet hit his. "No! Stay down, I swear to God!"

Nat kicked him again and almost broke free, but he refused to let her go. He knew if he released her she'd have the upper hand again. His voice was desperate, "Nat, please…"

For a moment he considered his options then he settled on a plan. He sighed and said, "Nat, remember that I love you very much and I'm counting on you. If you make it… tell Laura I'm sorry."

With one skilled movement Clint flipped the both of them around and pinned her to the ground before she could say something. He reached back to his quiver and chose a distinct arrow. Suddenly he let go of Nat and got up quickly standing at the edge of the cliff.

As Natasha started to stand up immediately she was met with an arrow that opened in front of her face. A net large enough to cover a person popped out and threw her back down on the ground. She struggled to break free right away, but it was too late. Clint let himself fall backward off the cliff.

After a few seconds Nat managed to get the net off of her and she ran to the edge of the cliff. The sight that greeted her made her fall to her knees and she sobbed.

Clint was lying on the rocky surface that was covering the bottom of the cliff. One of his legs was bent in an unnatural way and his arms were spread out. Arrows had spilled out on the ground next to his upper body; they must have fallen out of the quiver on the impact of the fall.

In the next moment the scene was gone. Nat found herself kneeling in a shallow body of water. She could still see the orange glow of the eclipse so she was still on Vormir. There was a strange shimmer in the water where her right hand was resting.

Almost numb she carefully raised her fist out of the water and opened it. At the sight before her, she started sobbing again and tears ran freely down her cheeks. It was what they came here for. It was the Soul-Stone. Hesitantly Nat ran a finger of her other hand over the stone.

This little inanimate object with a faint orange glow had cost her best friend, her partner, the one who had saved her from the KGB his life. And all of a sudden she wasn't numb anymore. She was overwhelmed with sadness, anger and desperation all at once. She wanted to throw the fucking stone as far away as possible if it weren't for the world they still had to save.

In defeat she let her hands sink into the water again. She looked up to the eclipsed sun and cried out; Long and loudly. She screamed all her emotions out into the world until she was calmer again.

Nat stood up from the ground still shaking and took a deep breath. She looked around one last time before activating her suit to go back to 2023. In an instant, she was reunited with all the others. Everyone else had made it back.

Natasha tried to control her emotions and stared at the ground. Then she heard Bruce's voice from behind her, "Nat… where is Clint?"

Slowly Natasha looked up again and turned around. Her expression was blank and she was white as a sheet. Nobody dared to say anything so her steps echoed loudly from the walls as she stepped down from the platform and walked over to the control panel where Bruce was standing.

With her hand still shaking Nat handed the stone over to Bruce. Then she turned away and quickly left the room. When she was out she ran. She needed to be alone; she didn't want the others to see her that way.

Nat slipped into her room and closed the door behind her. She didn't lock it, however. She had intended on sitting on her bed but she didn't make it. The Black Widow collapsed on the carpet, not able to hold the tears back any longer.

For a few minutes she just lay there on her side and cried. When she heard her door, however, she sat up straight. Her eyes were clouded by the tears but she could still make out who her visitor was. Steve didn't say a word. He just walked over to where she was sitting on the carpet and sat down next to her.

Natasha's voice was cracked and she didn't have the strength to clear it, "Steve… I know you mean well, but please leave."

Steve sighed and looked at her. "You don't have to talk to me or something like that. I'm just here in case you need someone. I can go to a different room if that is what you'd like."

Nat slowly shook her head when more tears ran down her cheeks. "No… no. You just should be down there with the others – now that we have all the stones."

Steve smiled tiredly. "No, I think I'm right where I should be."

With a sob Nat looked at him again. "Why?"

Steve leaned back into the couch. "I didn't want you to be alone."

Hearing that, Nat took a shaky breath and buried her face in his chest. Carefully Steve wrapped his arms around her and ran his hand up and down her back soothingly.

For a while they just sat there in silence. Steve felt like crying himself. He was devastated by the death of one of their own, by one of their little family. His heart ached for the possibility of Clint's loved ones coming back and finding that he wasn't there anymore.

But he couldn't give in to those feelings now. He needed to be there for Nat, for she needed someone to lean on now.

After Nat had stopped crying she lingered in their position for about a minute before straightening herself and wiping away the tears. She looked at Steve, her eyes a bit clearer now. "Do you have time?"

Immediately he nodded. "Of course, Nat."

Natasha swallowed hard before supporting herself against the couch and standing. "Let's get to the quinjet then."

Steve was a bit confused but didn't try to tell her otherwise so he just followed her out of the room.

They took the elevator to the hangar and picked one of the jets. Natasha entered coordinates before sitting down in one of the chairs. Now Steve knew what this was about and sat down next to her. He started the jet and they took off.

Soon after they had started the journey Tony's voice reached them over the intercom. Of course, there was a notice inside the facility if one of the jets was taken. "Natasha, where are you going? Are you alone?"

It was her who had logged in so they couldn't know Steve was with Nat. Steve looked over at her, but she shook her head so he answered, "Tony, it's Steve. Don't worry, I'm with Nat. We'll be back very soon. Natasha just needs some space, okay?"

There was a brief pause before Tony answered, "Okay, okay… I see. Just don't stay away too long. We are almost finished with building a gauntlet."

Steve quickly responded, "Yes, sure. Good luck."

There were no more responses from the facility so Steve turned to Nat. "I suppose you don't want to talk now?"

Natasha considered for a moment before answering, "I'm not sure what to say. I… I can maybe tell you when we get there."

Steve nodded and left her alone. About an hour later he landed the quinjet in a field next to their destination. The farmhouse looked the same as he remembered; A little bit less well kept maybe. The grass hadn't been mowed and the flowers around it had died or grown rampantly.

Together Nat and Steve left the jet and slowly walked towards the house. A few steps away from it Nat stopped. She hesitated before addressing Steve, "It feels like trespassing. I think we should leave."

Steve nodded. "We don't have to go inside. Maybe we can just sit down outside?"

Natasha looked around and nodded. "Okay… let's sit on the porch."

They walked the few steps over to the porch and sat down next to each other. It was sad to think that everyone who had lived here was dead now. It looked way too peaceful on the property for that fact. The crickets were still there, they could hear them in the fields. The wind was blowing and made the old planks rattle.

Natasha's voice was gentle but still felt out of place in the scene, "It should have been me…"

Steve looked at her confused. "What do you mean?"

Natasha managed to fight back her tears again and continued, "On Vormir… there was a figure who guarded the stone. He told us that the stone can only be owned if you make a sacrifice of a… of a soul."

Steve now understood what had gone down. "So… what Nebula thought – it's not true. There was a reason Thanos killed his daughter on Vormir. He needed the stone and exchanged her life."

Natasha looked down. "Yes… we just didn't realize at that time. But now I know."

Steve pulled her closer and put his arm around her. "It's okay, Nat… We couldn't have known. It's not your fault."

Nat now raised her head to meet his eyes. "Don't tell me that. If I had been faster, Clint would still be alive and I would be dead. I have no one, he has kids. It's not fair, Steve."

Steve sighed. "Don't ever say that! You have us, you have me… I need you to stay sane myself."

Natasha bit down on her bottom lip briefly. "You don't."

"I do!" Steve paused and lowered his voice again, "I do need you. You have been the one keeping the remaining team together all those years. You have stayed strong for them while I ran."

Natasha didn't answer. She just stared straight ahead for a while before turning to him again. She wanted to say something but instead, she kissed him. The kiss was short but emotional and loving. When they parted Steve looked at her in surprise.

She responded with a weak smile and whispered a 'Thank you' before standing up from the porch.

Steve stood too and she started walking ahead back to the jet. Her voice came out loud and more determined now, "Come, let's go back. I made a promise to Clint to do everything I can to bring back his family for him."


	8. Sillage

**Oh, how I hate playing party-games, but how I love writing about them. Let's do one more of those. Special thanks to NaomiBlue for the more detailed reviews!**

**October 8th: Sillage  
(past AoU, before Civil War, Romanogers)**

_sillage [**sea** – ah – j__ǝ__]; noun, French_

_the trail of scent left behind by one who wears perfume_

It had been Tony's idea; who else would think of throwing a party to celebrate the new team adjusting in the Facility. So catering had been called, the common areas of the facility cleaned and people invited.

It was summer and so they could also use the whole outdoors-area which made it easier to deal with the visitors.

It had been a nice evening with plenty to drink and eat and dancing on the terrace. Now it was late and only a few people were left gathered in the living room, curled up on the sofas with drinks in hand.

Laura and Clint were sharing one of the huge armchairs, her sitting on his lap. The kids had gone to bed hours ago and were watched by Friday to immediately notify if they were awake.

Maria Hill was sitting on one of the sofas with Pepper and Jane Foster who had agreed to come since Thor wasn't there. They were chatting mostly by themselves.

Darcy had arrived with Jane but now she was sitting with Rhodey, Vision and Wanda.

Steve was sitting on the floor next to Sam looking up slightly to chat with Natasha who was sitting on one of the armchairs.

With hasty steps Tony made his way back to the group from the bar. Dramatically he tapped a teaspoon against his glass several times as if to announce a toast. Slowly the talking coming from the group died down and people were turning around to face him.

Tony had a huge grin on his face as he looked around once as if counting the people present. "Alright boys and girls! Let's make this more fun."

Clint looked from Tony to Laura and mumbled, "That's usually where it goes wrong."

Tony shot the other man a telling look and continued, "Since we are as many guys as ladies I suggest 7 minutes in heaven."

At the same time Pepper and Darcy called out a reaction to this. For the first woman it was 'Tony, no!' as for the second it was 'Hell, yeah!'.

Darcy immediately met Pepper's gaze and begged, "Come on Pep! It'll be great! If you get picked you can just talk in whatever closet we're playing in."

Pepper rolled her eyes. "This is childish and only teenagers play such games. We should not play…" She gestured over to Clint and Laura. "They are married; they sure don't want to play."

Laura interrupted the other woman right at that point, "Oh, we are playing! I haven't done this in ages."

Clint grinned and gave his wife a peck on the cheek. "You heard the boss."

Pepper sighed and turned back to face Tony. "Alright, then… you have your way."

While Tony told Friday to set up a lottery Sam leaned over to ask Steve if he was familiar with the game. The other man just nodded, explaining in a low voice he had watched some comedies with Wanda lately where it had been a subject.

Steve obviously wasn't thrilled at the idea of playing, but knew it was up to the people picked what to do inside the closet so it wasn't a big deal.

Friday soon picked out the first two people and they played a few rounds. Sometimes it was easy to say that the two people were just talking in the small room they used for food storage. For example, Wanda and Rhodey were friends by now and none had ever expressed a romantic interest in the other.

Other times it was not so clear and curious contestants silently made their ways over to the wall to listen if they could hear what was going on. Tony was especially intrigued when Maria and Sam were picked since he was sure there was something going on.

However, never were any parts of clothing missing or any other signs left behind on the other to indicate some sort of intimacies. Pepper was very satisfied with that. When another round finished up she turned to Tony and smiled. "See. We are all mature adults."

Tony rolled his eyes. "I would have said, wait until it's my turn, but I'm with you… so…"

Pepper crossed her arms in front of her chest. "Let's stop this, Tony."

Tony looked around and sighed. "Let's do one or two more, okay?"

The others nodded in agreement. Some people hadn't been picked, yet and the game didn't hurt anyone so it was fine.

Tony plopped down in his seat again and addressed Friday, "Friday, start up one more round for me."

The AI politely responded. "Yes, sir. The female contestant is Miss Romanoff."

All eyes quickly darted to Natasha who just shrugged and got on her feet.

Tony grinned. "Oh, hell yes! There's lots I would like to talk about with you."

Natasha shot a death-glare at Stark. "Sounds like 7 minutes in hell to me, not heaven."

Tony pouted and kept quiet, waiting for Friday to draw a male.

The AI's voice appeared again seconds later, "Accompanying her is Mister Rogers."

Steve's cheeks reddened lightly as he rose from his position on the floor.

Natasha immediately started grinning and looked at Tony again before looking at Steve. "Okay, come on."

Steve followed her over to the storage room and closed the door. Tony apparently found his speech again and called out, "Your time starts now!"

Steve briefly rubbed the back of his neck when the door closed and was about to say something when Nat raised a finger to her lips. He understood and shut his mouth again when she leaned closer and whispered, "Come on Steve, don't be embarrassed. We have shared a bed before, we have kissed before, so this is no big deal."

Steve nodded and kept his voice low. "I know… but I didn't want to make you uncomfortable. We work together…"

Nat rolled her eyes. "Yeah, chill. It's cool with me. Let's give them a bit of a show, what do you think?"

Grinning Steve nodded. "Tony will finally have what he wanted with this game."

Nat chuckled lowly. "Uhh, you're naughty, Rogers. Okay… take your shirt off."

Steve did as she said and dropped the item of clothing as he watched her take off her dress quickly. She let it fall and stepped out of it walking the three steps over to him. Not too sure what she had planned Steve let her guide him.

Natasha looked him up and down quickly before whispering in his ear, "Don't laugh now okay. I bet they are listening outside."

Steve nodded and looked at her when her lips met his. She smiled before she started to mourn without even touching him. Steve grinned and managed to fight back a laugh, as she continued this. With encouragement in her eyes, she looked up at him. Steve did his best not to burst out laughing, took a deep breath and joined her in the act.

When she cried out his name, acting as if she desperately tried to do it quietly but audible for anyone who stood close to the door or walls, he couldn't keep it together any longer and chuckled for a moment.

Seeing him laugh made Nat laugh as well, but she managed to brace herself quickly again. Steve pulled her a bit closer and said only for her to hear, "Stop… or I'll die laughing."

Natasha grinned. "Yeah, me too. But we need something visible before time's up. Hold still, okay?" She then proceeded to press kisses to his jawline and neck, making sure to leave lipstick-marks behind. Instinctively Steve pulled her closer. This made him moan for real this time.

Clearly satisfied with her handiwork she said, "Suck on my shoulder or bite me or something."

Steve blinked before meeting her eyes with his. "What?"

Natasha almost laughed again when she saw the look in his eyes. "Come on, do it…"

Steve hesitated for a moment longer before pulling her up and lightly kissing the side of her lower neck. When she wrapped her legs around him he paused again. Then he buried one hand in her hair and held onto her ass with his other hand. Just like she had told him to he started sucking at the soft skin of her neck, making a hickey in the process. The scent of her perfume lingered all around her and it just intensified this close.

Carefully he kissed the spot when he was done and started making another one a bit lower, earning a moan from Nat.

Right in that moment the door flew open and Tony was staring at them. It was clear that he had wanted to say something but it had gotten stuck in his throat.

Steve stopped kissing her but held onto Nat when the both of them looked at Tony and the others behind him grinning.

Clint started grinning too and called out from the chair, "7 minutes are up, lovebirds!"

Steve slowly let go of Nat and placed her feet back down on the floor. She picked up their items of clothing and with sweet innocence in their eyes they put them on again. Nat took Steve's hand and they walked out of the closet and back to the others.

Tony stood frozen in place next to the door. After a few minutes, he turned and looked at Steve and Nat. "What the hell were you two doing in there?"

Nat smiled and looked over at him. "That's none of your business, I believe."

Tony than looked over to Steve but he didn't even ask. He just shook his head and returned to sit next to Pepper. That was the last round they played that evening.

During breakfast the next morning it was only Clint, Nat and Steve in the kitchen. They were early risers. Laura was playing with the kids in the living room so it left the three of them with everyone else asleep.

Of course Nat told Clint about their stunt last night and left him clearly amused. "That was the best thing ever! Really, guys. I thought Tony was having a heart attack. He paced around along the wall and listened intently."

Nat chuckled. "So he bought it?"

Clint nodded. "Absolutely! He drove all of us crazy and urged everyone to come over to listen as well to make sure he wasn't going crazy."

Steve grinned. "And did they?"

Clint grinned. "Yeah… Sam and Rhodey are such nosy people. They joined him, ears on the walls. And when… it got louder Darcy walked over there too."

Steve and Nat both erupted in laughter right away.

Clint grinned and took a swig of his coffee. "Honestly, guys. Even I thought it was real when Tony opened the door."

Steve shrugged. "We did well then, I guess."


	9. Caraphernelia

**This one takes place right after Civil War when Natasha is alone in the New Avengers Facility. Maybe you can read it as a companion-piece to one-shot number 12 (_Empty_) from last year's collection _Staying Together. _I made up the exact dates for this one.**

**Originally I thought of Steve having to deal with Nat's stuff after her death in Endgame, but the Facility exploded and all of her things were destroyed, so we are stuck with this.**

**October 9th: Caraphernelia  
(shortly after Civil War, Nat-centered)**

_caraphernelia [**cah** – rah – fer –**knee** – lee – a]; noun, Latin/Old English_

_A broken-heart disease that occurs whenever someone leaves you, but leaves all their things behind, inducing painful memories;_

A few days after the breakout in Stark's prison, Natasha was still alone in the Facility. She mostly kept to her room and left it only when she had to – until the call came in. First Nat was excited when she saw that Tony was calling her. Maybe he had heard from the others, maybe they had let him know they were okay, maybe Vision had managed to contact Wanda. When she took the call, however, she wasn't that excited anymore.

It was good news, but it was also a new 'mission'. Tony told her that Rhodey was making great progress and in about a week he would move back in. Finally some company. Tony would spend more time at the Facility too when the time would come. But that also meant clearing the rooms of the Avengers on the run. Steve, Wanda and Sam wouldn't need their rooms any longer, but Tony would need one and probably some others.

So her 'mission' now was to go through all the stuff and make it ready for storage. That thought was like a blow. The very doors that were staring at her were now her targets. All the belongings that had been collected by her friends over the years, things they held close to their hearts, personal things were to be put in boxes and piled up in some closet.

The next day Nat finally found the courage to leave her room. She stopped in the middle of the hallway and sighed. Where would she even start? This was horrible.

Finally she made a choice and made her way towards Steve's room. She tried the door and it wasn't locked, of course, it wasn't… Nat swallowed hard before entering. In Steve's small living room a few books were sitting on the table. Other than that there wasn't much. On one of the dressers, she saw a vase with a single flower. Carefully Natasha touched the rose. It had already started to wither.

She knew she should probably throw it away, but she didn't feel like throwing away Steve's stuff at all so she walked across the room and entered the bedroom.

It was nice and tidy in Steve's quarters. It had always been, that's just the way he was. With her hand shaking just the slightest bit Nat opened the closet. The shirts were sorted by color and everything else looked like it was exactly where it should be as well. A bright red item caught her eye; it felt like it was out of place.

When she pulled it out Natasha cracked a smile. For Christmas, she had gotten everyone ugly Christmas sweaters. They were bright red with all sorts of glitter and a huge reindeer on the front. On the back it said 'Merry X-Mas' in green ornate letters. He had kept it. It was just a joke and Nat was sure everyone would throw them out rather sooner than later.

She kept standing in front of the closet and held onto the pullover. Had the others kept them too? Did they make them smile every time they came across the sweaters in their closets looking for something to wear? Carefully Natasha folded the sweater and placed it back to where she had taken it from.

Looking back down she saw something familiar, something that Steve had worn all the time – his brown leather jacket. Obviously he couldn't have gone back and packed up a nice suitcase, so he had left it behind. When she touched the jacket she remembered what she was supposed to do.

Throw out all of this. Put it into boxes. Repeat the process in the other two rooms.

Disgusted Nat let go of the sleeve and stumbled backward. She was met with the bed soon and sat down. This felt wrong. This wasn't her stuff and she shouldn't handle it without the owner's permission. Tony was acting as if the others were never coming back.

With a sigh Nat let herself fall back on Steve's bed. She looked at a photo on his nightstand. It had been taken the day they all moved into the New Facility. It was taken in the backyard. Wanda and Vision were sitting on a blanket under a tree chatting while Sam gave Nat a piggy-back ride chasing Rhodey.

For a moment Nat wondered why Steve wasn't in the picture when she realized he had been the one who had taken it.

Maybe they weren't coming back, maybe Tony was right and she wouldn't see their faces in a long time.

Half sitting up Nat carefully opened the drawer next to the bed. On top of some pieces of paper was a knife. She now sat up and picked it up. Steve had told her that he only had two items that he had brought with him from the 1940s. One was the compass he never let out of his sight – most likely he had it with him. The other was a combat-knife; the first one he had ever gotten in the army. This was probably it.

Natasha examined the weapon carefully. It was in really good condition. Most likely he had made sure it was brought back to its original state after being in the water for over half a century. Now Natasha felt bad she had never talked to him about that. Maybe he had needed help, maybe someone to not deal with it alone. But she had never asked.

Delicately Nat placed the knife back into the drawer and she was about to stand up from the bed again when her eyes caught a glimpse of something disguised under the pillow. Curious about it she reached for it and pulled out a small book bound in leather.

She opened it to a random page and was met with a pencil-sketch. It was rough and done in a short time but still great. It showed a woman curled up on her bed. The TV was in the background. Steve had also written something where he hadn't drawn on the page.

"April 12th 2016; Wanda blames herself for yesterday when really, she should blame me. I should have dealt with it, but he just had to say 'Bucky' and he had me. Wanda's just a kid."

Absentmindedly Nat turned the page. There was a drawing of a rose.

"April 16th 2016; Peggy's dead. I knew it was coming, but that doesn't mean I was ready. This is the worst moment for this to happen."

When she was about to turn the page again Nat suddenly stopped. She shouldn't be in Steve's room; she shouldn't be going through his stuff. The last thing she should do was read Steve's diary. She needed to stop. She needed to get boxes up here and do what Tony had told her.

She stood up and accidentally dropped the book. Immediately Nat bent down and picked it up from the floor. She couldn't help but stare at the page it had opened to. She was looking at herself with her cellphone in hand.

"April 24th 2016; I should have gone to Vienna with Nat. I could see her out in the street. She was lost, she needed someone but I couldn't just show up. I thought she was dead too, I thought I had lost her… I can't lose her too"

Natasha stared at the page. Carefully she ran her finger over the 'I can't lose her too'. He kind of had lost her. She was here and he was God knows where. Her heart broke for him, for Wanda, for Sam, for the family she had mistreated. She had tried to tell herself that they had chosen this, but really what else were they going to do?

Nat never fully found out from Tony what had gone down in Siberia exactly, but whatever it was; It couldn't have been so bad that they can't come back. For God's sake, they had known Steve for almost five years already and about him for much longer.

For a moment she just stood there with the diary in hand. She needed to read more, although it was wrong. Natasha started flipping through the pages. It dated back to the past year, the days they had spent together at the Tower.

Nat noticed that she was in a lot of Steve's drawings. She stopped when she saw something rare - A drawing of Steve himself staring out of the window. He had drawn himself from behind so the shield on his back was the focus. There was more text than usual.

"May 7th 2015; I let him take Nat. It's my fault, I told Clint to go and leave her there. I know she can fight, but a 9ft robot in a vibranium-shell is not a match for her… or me. I miss her, I'm worried. I hope Clint can find her soon and she'll be okay. I rely way too much on her to keep me centered, to help me with this dysfunctional team. I can't do it alone, she means a lot to me."

Closing her eyes tightly Nat closed the book and put it down on the bed. She couldn't clear out this room. She couldn't clear out any of the other rooms. She was just a little spider inside a house way too big and way too empty, way too lonely and sad.

And suddenly she needed to get away from Steve's bed, from Steve's things and from the memories they shared.

She ran.

Out of the room.

Down the stairs.

Right through the kitchen.

Out into the garden.

No, no! This was the place they had taken the photo; where they had laughed together, trained together and held barbecues on summer evenings.

She ran faster.

Away from the Facility, no matter where, just away.

She ran until her lungs burned and her legs were sore. Nat dropped down in the grass. She had no idea how far away she was, but nothing really felt like enough distance. The thought of going back made her flinch as if in pain.

There was no New Avengers Facility anymore. Because with no one but her there it was just a building.


	10. Mizpah

**I hope you liked yesterday's one-shot because this is a continuation in a way. Maybe I'll continue Schnapsidee as well during the next couple of days.**

**October 10th: Mizpah  
(after Civil War, Nat-centered)**

_mizpah [**mits** – p__ah__]; noun, Hebrew_

_the deep emotional bond between people, especially those separated by distance or death; originally means watchtower but got this connotation because of Genesis 31._

Vision came back a few days later and did what Nat couldn't. He cleared the three rooms. He wasn't unaffected by it either, but he assured her that he would take good care and make sure the stuff was ready if any of them came back.

Then two weeks from there Rhodey was back. Tony came along since they practiced with the leg-supporters he had built every day and he made little improvements along the line. Nat was better. She wasn't alone anymore. There was someone to talk to. There was a purpose again. She could help Rhodey too and also supported Tony's efforts in reaching Steve.

She still missed him terribly so it was an even bigger surprise when he decided to reach out to them, but not to her. Tony was the one to receive a package that afternoon while he was practicing with Rhodey.

After looking through the things he showed Natasha the phone, but not the letter. He just said it was telling him to call if there was some kind of an emergency; if the Avengers needed to assemble again.

She thought it was the best thing to not ask questions, nodded and went to her quarters. She didn't like to admit it, but this hurt. She had been longing for a sign that they were okay, something from Steve to offer communication with her. Now, however, Tony was the one receiving the gift she had hoped for. It wasn't fair.

Nat plopped down on the couch and turned on the TV while looking through her share of the mail. Most of it was just bills. She opened them and sorted them into their respective files. Suddenly one made her pause. It was the electricity bill for her apartment in DC. It was super low, of course, since she hadn't been there a lot this past month.

Steve knew of her address in DC. He had helped her renovate the place a little more than a year ago and he had also spent some time there with her. It was like some kind of a holiday-home for them, a happy place, a place where he would probably send something to if he wanted her and only her to receive it.

Immediately Natasha dropped the rest of the mail on the small table and stood. She walked down the stairs with the bill in her hand. Halfway downstairs she noticed she would need her keys and quickly went back to get them.

When she finally got down to the ground floor after that she walked over to the table where Tony was sitting and twisting the mobile he had gotten around. She asked him if he needed her here or if it would be okay if she checked on her apartment since the bill reminded her she should do that once in a while.

Tony didn't really think anything of it. His thoughts were obviously still with the package he had gotten earlier and he told her to go if she wanted.

So she did. Nat walked straight to the garage and drove off. It wasn't too far from New York to DC but it felt like it took her too long.

What if there was nothing waiting for her there? What if Steve was still upset with her? But no… he had been thankful for her help in Germany.

Unnerved Natasha parked the car in her street and got out. It was getting dark and she hoped the package had been small enough to fit in her mailbox. It was now too late to go to some office in that neighborhood and pick it up.

Natasha quickly stalked towards her apartment and fished her keys out of her pocket. There was no notice of any missed deliveries on her mailbox, but maybe they had thrown it inside. Right away Nat fiddled with the smallest key to open the box. There were some pamphlets and letters inside but no package and no notice.

At first, disappointment rushed over her until she looked through the letters. There was one without any logos and missing a return address. Her address and name were written in simple and scribbly handwriting, one she noticed immediately.

Nat smiled at the letter for a moment before opening up her door and walking inside. She placed the uninteresting part of her mail down and sat by the table with the single letter. It was a bit too heavy for just paper and she could make out a small shape.

Now that she knew she had gotten a letter too she wasn't so sure what to expect. There was obviously no phone for her so what if it was just some 'Thanks for the help in Germany and bye'-note?

Hesitantly Nat opened it up and looked inside the envelope. She gasped at what she saw. There was a folded piece of paper but there was also a necklace – Steve's dog tags. Carefully she lifted them up and ran her hand over the engraved name and number. Then she placed them down on the table gently and carefully, as if they were made of glass.

It took her a few more minutes of staring at the folded paper still left in there before she managed to take it and unfold it. She put the paper down next to the dog tags before she started reading.

_Dear Nat,_

_I know you worry. I hope you'll find this letter soon. We are all okay, I promise. It's just a little hard to adapt to this life. I don't know if this has happened already for you, but Clint and Scott will be back very soon. They can get some deal with the government to be with their loved ones. I'm glad for them._

_Nat, let me tell you I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to upset you – ever. But I did. I really messed this up. I miss you every minute. Now that I have only Wanda and Sam to 'babysit' it's going to be easier, but that gives me more time to think about what I did to you by just leaving._

_I know you have a comfortable position in Tony's task force now, I know you don't need this, don't need me, but if there is any chance you changed your mind, I have an offer. In about a month things will have settled after sending Clint and Scott away. So if you want to join us, come to meet us on July 13th at 3 P.M. at the hideout where our first solo mission with S.H.I.E.L.D. led us._

_If you don't want that, keep the tags and burn this letter._

_Steve_

Nat looked up from the letter and stared at the kitchen wall. This wasn't anything she had expected. Well, she hadn't exactly known what to expect but this was not it.

What was he thinking of her? _I know you don't need this, don't need me. _Oh, he had no idea. Ever since that day at the airport Natasha had been miserable and anxious about her situation and their situation. She _needed _to see him, see with her own two eyes that he was okay, hear his voice so she wouldn't forget how exactly it sounds.

How would she now be able to go back to New York and continue her life? There was no way she wouldn't at least go to the meetup Steve had suggested. She needed to see all of them – him. At that moment Natasha realized that if she went to 'conspire' with the runaways she was automatically one of them. There was still a little less than a month until they would meet up.

She couldn't go back to Tony, now that she knew what was about to happen. But she also couldn't try to find Steve early. That would put them all in danger.

Nat sighed and picked up the dog tags. For a while, she just held them as she spun a plan in her head. Maybe she could go to Eastern Europe where she still had a chance to stay under the radar for a few weeks. Or she could go to a place so dangerous that people wouldn't even question who she was and why she was there – she knew quite a few of those.

But first, she would stay here until Clint would come back. She needed to see him before taking off. She had a feeling she wouldn't be welcome back here for a long, long time if she did this.

Natasha put the necklace with the dog tags over her head and hid the pendant under her clothing.

Maybe she wasn't doing the right thing, but at this point, she didn't care what actually was right. She wanted to do what felt right and this was more than right to her.


	11. Clinomania

**Today you get one a bit earlier, I'm about to head out and do a project, so good thing I finished before that!**

**October 11th: Clinomania  
(after Civil War, before Infinity War, Romanogers)**

_clinomania [clin – o__h – **may **– knee – a__]; noun, originally Greek_

_an excessive desire to stay in bed all day_

All of the blinds were closed, but the sun was starting to creep its way into the small hotel room anyways. One couldn't say it was cozy by any means, there were little decoration and no plants, the one window was big enough to lean out but not any bigger really. The bathroom was small as well, but the fact that there was one was luxurious to them since they had shared with more people before.

The room's inhabitants lay already awake, close to each other. The heavy morning air hung like a veil over their bed as if it wanted to keep them there forever. Natasha blinked the sleepiness away and glanced over at Steve's wristwatch on the nightstand. It was a few minutes shy from 6.

The soft howling of the wind could be heard constantly and every now and then the cheap window rattled. It was almost like a little lullaby Mother Nature sent in their direction. They knew they should get up and get ready. They knew that the little corner-store wasn't far away and they needed to buy food. They knew Sam and Wanda would wake up soon and they should agree on a place to go next. But they just didn't want to move and start doing all of those things.

It had been a rough day the day before. They had freed a group of girls who were underage – victims of human trafficking and forced into illegal prostitution. And they had made sure that this particular gang would never do this again, by blowing up their entire building.

Over that Steve and Nat had argued for what felt like hours. Steve had been against killing those pigs, had wanted to put them in prison where child-abusers aren't treated with respect anyways. Nat, on the other hand, had wanted to make them suffer first and then kill every single one of them herself.

Steve knew what she herself had been through as a child – he knew she was furious, she was still hurting, but a revenge killing spree wasn't exactly what would make two horrible wrongs one right.

It had ended in Wanda just blowing up the whole building with all of the gang-members still inside. And from there on they hadn't really talked.

Everyone had soon retired to their rooms as they reached the hotel. Showers were brief that night and a shallow sleep fell over them.

Steve hesitated but then turned around to face Natasha. A soft smile found its way onto her lips. Her lashes stuck together in one place but her eyebrows were two perfect crescent moons. Nat's hair was a bit messy, the very roots revealed her natural vibrant hair color. She would probably dye them again soon.

Steve considered what to say for a moment. Then he spoke up, voice still throaty from sleep, "I'm sorry…"

Nat sighed and reached out with one hand. Carefully she ran her fingers through his blond hair and kissed him softly, "Yeah, me too… I shouldn't have made this into a personal manner."

Steve shook his head slowly, "No, that's okay. Even if we act like we can be neutral in any situation – that's a lie. Everything in life is personal."

Natasha smiled again and removed her hand from his hair, "But still can't say you were right; These men… these ублюдки deserved to suffer, deserved death."

Steve studied her with his eyes and said, "Look, Nat… I know. But it's not in our hands to make this decision. If we kill whoever we think should die we are no better than them."

Nat bit her lip and paused, her eyes shimmered in the semi-dark room, "Steve. I know where you come from and you know where I come from but you don't know everything, you don't understand. I looked these girls in the eye and I saw the worst thing. One would think they would be afraid, terrified, but they were past that point."

Steve didn't dare to say something now.

Nat sighed before continuing in a low voice, "Their eyes were just dull… there was nothing. There was a point in my life where there was nothing for me as well. I killed and I did everything they told me because it was all I knew. I had lost fear long ago and had also lost love and happiness with it. It took me eternities to get that back and they took it from me in a heartbeat. Those girls are broken, they will never be the same."

Steve looked at her for a long time. The thick air pressed down on them again and the wind softened outside.

After a few minutes Steve sat up slightly. Nat turned slightly to look at him, "Are we getting up?"

Steve shook his head and reached for the hotel-phone on the nightstand, "No… I'm calling Sam's room to let him know that we are taking the day off."

Nat frowned in surprise, "The day off? But we just blew up a building, we need to move or Interpol, the FBI or whoever else is after us will catch up."

Steve shook his head, "They usually take longer. This is important now."

He quickly dialed in Sam's room number and was greeted by a groggy voice, "Yes?"

Steve smiled at his friend whom he had probably woken with this call, "Hey Sam, it's Steve. You can go straight back to sleep if you want. There are no plans for today."

Sam took a few seconds to respond, "None? I… I don't understand."

"We can afford to take a day off. Please be so kind and also inform Wanda", Steve twisted the phone-cord in his hand.

Sam answered before hanging up, "Yeah, sure. Bye then."

Carefully Steve put down the receiver to hang up on his end. Then he turned to Nat who still had a quizzical expression on her face. He said, "Okay, so what do you want to do today?"

Natasha smiled, "Me? I thought you had new plans already since you just canceled our old ones."

Steve shook his head, "No, no. I just felt like we all need this after our… emotional day yesterday."

Nat looked up at the ceiling briefly while speaking, "Well… if you ask me, I'd rather stay in bed all day. Everything still hurts from yesterday."

Steve shifted slightly to lay back down, "That sounds good actually. I think they even have room-service here."

Nat smirked and looked at him again, "Thinking about food all the time, ain't you Rogers?"

Steve grinned and pulled her closer to him, "Hey! That's not true! I just tend to get hungry…"

Chuckling Nat playfully pushed him away slightly, "Then you should go and order something."

Steve pulled her closer again and teasingly ran his hands down her sides and thighs, "No… then I would have to let go."

Nat got a bit more serious in tone again, "Thank you… for not forcing me to talk about it any longer. You know what I mean. And thanks, for today."

Steve smiled softly, "Sometimes I can't help you, but I can do this and that's the minimum. You don't have to thank me for the minimum."

Nat curled up against him and mumbled, "Okay, enough of that… let's seize the opportunity and go back to sleep. We can get breakfast later."

Satisfied with that Steve put an arm around her, "Good Night then, Nat."

Natasha didn't respond but instead buried her face in the pillow.


	12. Elysian

**So, I'm experimenting with writing in present tense. I don't know if this works.**

**October 12th: Elysian  
(Post AoU, before Civil War, light Romanogers or friendship)**

_elysian [el – __**ee**_ – _sian]; adjective, Greek_

_beautiful or creative; divinely inspired; peaceful and perfect _

There's music coming from the gym at night. Steve can hear it when he roams the halls, when he can't sleep. Sometimes it's piano, soft and quiet, sad, lugubre and bittersweet; a lovely Adagio that almost makes him tiptoe as to not disturb the atmosphere.

On other days it's forte, wild and loud, unpredictable and almost angry; he wouldn't call it Allegro, he would call it Presto con Dolore, sometimes risoluto.

He never looks for the source of the music, but by now he understands it's always classical music. It feels wrong to look for the music, it feels like invading someone's privacy, who clearly doesn't want to be seen since they are doing this in the middle of the night.

A few weeks go by and the music is still there. On that day it's quiet, but passionate and emotional. Steve pauses next to the elevator. He knows exactly that the source can't be far, but hesitates again. He raises his hand to press the button to call the elevator, but lets it sink again.

Maybe he could risk a glance, could see why someone was listening to this in the dead of night. He turns around and makes his way to the gym, careful so his steps wouldn't echo, so he would not catch anyone's attention.

He walks through the changing room and the lifting room, getting closer to the music and the secret that he has been thinking about ever since it started. It's not like it has always been there since they live here. During their first months the facility has been quiet and empty at night.

Steve has almost been glad about the music when he first heard it, but slowly but surely his curiosity has gotten the better of him.

He has thought about who it might be, what they might be doing. Maybe it was Wanda who secretly liked classic music and thought it would be embarrassing to play it in her room.

Maybe it was Vision who was terribly uncomfortable with the thought of waking any of them at night so he came down here to listen to music.

Maybe Sam or Rhodey were coming down to the gym so they could be by themselves. But that was not likely since they always seemed to be rested and ready during the day.

Maybe it was Natasha. She had kept to herself a lot lately and maybe listening to music alone helped her, was her form of therapy.

Steve can now hear the music clearly. The door in front of him is slightly ajar, not quite enough to peak inside, but enough to not make a noise if you were to open it wider. It's the multi-purpose room. Tony has designed it in a way that allows holograms to adjust to whatever you need at the moment. Other than that the room is empty.

Deciding he has waited long enough Steve pushes the door open further so he can see what's going on.

What he sees makes him pause in astonishment. The walls of the room are covered by mirrors as if they were wallpaper. A lone figure moves through the open space.

She is wearing tight work-out-clothing in simple black and grey tones. Her hair is secured in a messy bun so it would not bother her, would not distract her. She is twirling and spinning, light as a feather, but with such power and energy that she could surely fight anyone effortlessly.

Her eyes are closed she doesn't need to watch herself to know her dance is perfect. She performs, but there is no audience - it's just her multiplied by the mirrors again and again.

The music is carrying her, she doesn't need a costume, a stage or anything at all. She is breathtaking as she is.

Steve has known that Natasha did ballet when she was younger but he has thought she had given it up. Now as he is watching her he thinks that's not true. He knows she has practiced and he feels ridiculous about himself for not knowing such things.

Not even for a second he can look away. Natasha's dance is captivating, like it is from another world, like she is from another world. He hasn't been to the theatre a lot in his life, but it has never touched him the same way this does. Maybe that is because he knows Natasha, knows how she fights, knows how her soft features can be tense and how her stern expression is just a mask she has learned to keep on.

Seeing her like that is like getting to know her on a whole different level - no, that's not right. He isn't here because he was invited, not because he has bought a ticket for her performance. He is more of a stalker than a guest.

The music ends and Natasha stops. Gracefully she moves into her ending pose before relaxing her limbs. Steve can't fight the urge to reveal himself, he knows he is not supposed to be here. But now that he is here it would be wrong to just leave and not tell her he has spied on her. So he gathers some courage, opens the door wider and starts clapping.

Like a deer caught in the headlights Natasha turns around immediately and stares at him. A mixture of surprise, suspense and embarrassment washes over her, but quickly she gathers herself and smiles, "A little weak for my audience not to bring flowers."

Steve walks inside the room a bit uncomfortable, "If I had known I'd brought a ton..."

Natasha brushes through her hair with one hand, loosening some strands, "How long have you been standing there?"

Steve scratches the back of his head nervously and says, "Well... a few minutes... I didn't mean to, really... but I heard the music again and I just wanted to know..."

Natasha nods and picks up the remote that turns the selected holograms on and off. She presses a button and the mirrors disappear leaving only one Nat and one Steve standing in the middle of an empty room.

Nat looks around her for a moment before turning to face Steve again, "It's okay... it's not like I own this place, should have locked the door."

Steve presses his lips together for a second before answering, "That would have been unfortunate. Then I wouldn't have seen the most beautiful thing in the world."

Confused Nat blinks a few times and says, "Really? That? I think the choreography wasn't even 100 % correct for that song, I haven't seen a teacher in a long time."

Steve shakes his head and smiles, "No, I don't care. That's not what makes it perfect, it's you. I saw you... kind of, expressing yourself. And that's what I liked about it."

Natasha grins and shakes her head, "You're strange, Steve... I don't see what's beautiful about that."

Steve carefully reaches out and gathers the small strands of hair that are loose between two of his fingers. Slowly he tugs them away between the ones that are still fixed and whispers, "Everything..."

Natasha cracks a smile at that and tousles his hair, "You are insane. But I kind of like it that way."

Steve grins and puts an arm around her, "Yeah. Me too. But now we should probably go back to bed."

Nat nods and they start walking out of the room, "What are you even doing here so late?"

Steve says, "I can't sleep sometimes. That's why I've heard the music before."

Natasha grins again as the lights turn off behind them, "If that's the case, I can teach you ballet, so you at least do something useful with yourself."

Steve chuckles as they reach the elevator, "Maybe I would like that."


	13. Mutterseelenallein

**I wanted to do the sequel you are waiting for today, but I really don't feel like writing happy things today. So, instead, here is a little insight into Steve's head.**

**Thanks for the reviews and follows! Just wanted to let you know I'm seeing them and I consider your suggestions.**

**October 13th: Mutterseelenallein  
(During Civil War, Steve centered)**

_mutterseelenallein [__**mu**_ – _tär – ze – län – __**all**_ – _ain]; adjective, German_

_to be utterly and extremely alone and lonely; as of refugees torn from their home _

He barely felt the barrier close behind him as he left Wakanda. The quinjet felt way too big for just him. The past hours were really busy and loud and now there was a sudden vacuum.

Right after Bucky and him had gotten away from Siberia they were kind of lost. After everything that had happened Bucky didn't deem himself ready for the world out there again.

Finally they called T'Challa. And he welcomed them with open arms. His sister, who is some kind of prodigy, discussed his options with Bucky. He decided on 'sleeping' until Shuri found a safe way to reprogram his brain. Of course it broke Steve's heart, but he just smiled. He hugged his best buddy and wished him luck.

Bucky knew he shouldn't talk about what was about to happen. Steve knew the other man wanted to apologize for being a bit selfish and leaving Steve alone again. But if he would do that he would most likely change his mind. And Steve knew this would be really bad for his health. And Steve wouldn't allow that.

So now he was back in the quinjet all alone on his way out of Wakanda. The soft computer-voice told him to select a new destination.

Steve hesitated. He looked out of the window aimlessly. He needed to save the others but he had no idea where they were.

He cleared his voice before answering, "Are we still in stealth-mode?"

The AI responded politely, "Yes, sir. Do you want me to deactivate?"

Steve shook his head lightly, "No... please make sure it stays on and activate everything else that prevents tracking."

Another 'Yes, sir' could be heard.

Steve sat down in the pilot seat, "Can I access Tony's data log without him knowing?"

The AI on the jet answered like she always answered - immediately, "What he has listed as open, yes. The other files only with the verification-code."

Steve ran a hand through his hair and sighed, "Is there any information available of where all of the Avengers are located currently? That's open, right?"

"Yes, of course. Which Avengers position is required?"

Steve gazed out of the window absentmindedly, "Wilson and Maximoff..."

"Sam Wilson and Wanda Maximoff are in close proximity of each other in the same location."

Steve's eyes darted back to the display when he heard that. He had thought that Tony would keep them all apart, in different houses, so it wouldn't be easy for him or anyone else to get to them all. He thought about it for a moment, before saying, "Okay... can you give me any details on their location, coordinates maybe?"

The AI's voice was monotone and Steve wished it would be a bit more realistic, feel like a real conversation, "I'm afraid Mr. Stark has listed that as private information."

Steve leaned back frustrated. He needed those coordinates. He stood from the chair and started pacing around.

Never before had the jet been so empty. There were barely things stored there. Some extra clothes for everyone, sure, some weapons, but there was nothing that felt like home. There was nothing that one would call a personal item.

Steve leaned against the wall and let his eyes wander through the space where everyone usually was.

There was no laughter echoing through the space and no annoyed comments from Rhodey. There was no Wanda teasing people with letting their things float in front of their faces and Sam desperately trying to catch everything.

There was no Natasha chiding them as if they were children.

Natasha

Suddenly Steve had an idea. Nat and him had agreed on using the same verification-codes since they were both team leaders.

He addressed the AI again, "Who has access to the information I asked for."

The AI responded, "Mr. Stark, Vision, Mr. Rhodes, Mr. Ross and Ms. Romanoff."

Steve lit up at that statement and returned to the pilot's chair where he could see the screen, "Please access it through Ms. Romanoff's account."

The AI encouraged him to give her the verification-codes and he entered them quickly. What popped up on the screen made him very uncomfortable and then just angry. It was a prison, a high security-prison in the middle of the sea. Tony had named it 'Project Raft'.

Steve mumbled new commands while looking through the blueprints, "Please get me there, but not too close, so we won't be on the radar yet."

That prison was high security. It should have been made for criminals caught by the Avengers originally, but then Tony decided to use it to lock up his friends. That was just cruel.

Steve kept sitting there speechless and looked for the quickest way to the cells Tony had marked as 'new prisoners'. Hopefully Tony would at least not send his minions to hinder the break-out.

If Tony was still anything like Steve remembered him, when he had considered them friends, he hated this just as much as Steve does.

He would hate how they were on different sides and hate how they had fought. He would hate how the team was split up and how he had to lock up his friends in cells.

Steve told the AI to close the files again and his eyes wandered outside the window again.

He was really unsure of his plan. It came down to him and him alone to free the others. It was not like the fate of the whole world rested on his shoulders this time, but it still felt awefully familiar - him alone in an aircraft flying seemingly aimlessly over the ocean.

But this time he didn't have Peggy to talk to, he didn't have Nat to assure him his plan would work.

He missed her terribly already and it had only been a day since they had seen each other at the airport. Hopefully she wasn't in trouble for helping them escape.

Now that Bucky wasn't there, the friend he had fought for so hard, it was even worse. He only now realized that Natasha was usually there to offer support when he was in distress.

She had been there for him when they had first partnered up in DC. She had helped him adjust to this century and this city. She had taught him how to use the internet.

When S.H.I.E.L.D. had fallen apart they had met almost every day, watched silly movies and talken strolls on the busy streets. She had listened to him when he told her about Bucky and he had listened to her when she told him about her first years with S.H.I.E.L.D.

He had supported her when Bruce had gone missing and she had supported him when Peggy had died. They had been there for each other as leaders of the new team, they had done this together.

They had learned new recipes together and tried them out, had laughed together and trained together, they had comforted each other when they woke up screaming.

Steve blinked the tears away. He missed Natasha a lot and even if he didn't like to admit it - it broke his heart that she had made a different call when he had decided on his position on the Accords. She was her own person with her own opinion of course, but it still hurt.

The AIs soft voice stopped his train of thought, "Mr. Rogers, we will reach the Raft in about 15 minutes. I'm waiting on further instructions."

Steve nodded and quickly walked back to get some weapons, "Yes, thank you... here is what we're going to do."


	14. Komorebi

**Yes... so about that sequel... Ah, I'm sorry. Today I really, really miss Clint and his family that I adore. So let's visit them ;) Maybe I'm also just writing this to really highlight my disgust for Steve's ending in **_**Endgame**_**...**

**October 14th: Komorebi  
(After AoU, before Civil War, light Romanogers)**

_komorebi (_木漏れ日_) [__**kO**_ – _mO – 're – bE]; noun, Japanese_

_sunlight that filters through the leaves of trees_

"Lila! Stop it! Give that back!", Cooper screamed at his sister and chased her down the stairs.

Lila bolted as fast as she could clutching something with both her hands, "Catch me first!"

They ran into the living room where Clint and Laura were chatting with Steve and Nat in a low tone. When the two of them entered screaming at each other the baby woke up.

Nate started to cry immediately and Laura rolled her eyes. It was clearly visible she was tired and so was Clint. Laura was about to rise when Clint got up first, "My turn..."

Laura just followed him with her eyes before addressing her other two children who were now caught up in a playful fistfight over some portable game-console Tony had gifted to them, "Cooper, Lila... stop that! You have been playing with that thing for way too long anyway. And what have I told you about running on the stairs? You know it's dangerous!"

The fight stopped for a moment but then Cooper snatched the gaming device from his sister and she started screaming at him again. In the corner next to the crib Clint desperately tried to comfort his newborn son.

Steve felt kind of bad for Clint and Laura who had no way of escaping this. Nat and him had decided on visiting for a few days and trying to help out with the kids who apparently all had rebellious phases at the same time.

He shot Nat a questioning look. She just nodded and rose from her seat, "Cooper, come on... give me that or I'll find a way to take it myself."

The two arguing children paused again and considered their options, but they sure didn't stand a chance against their auntie Nat - so Cooper handed over the device in defeat.

Steve stood up too and walked over to Clint. In a soothing voice he said, "Come on, bud... let me do this."

Clint took a moment to process what Steve had meant before nodding and carefully handing over the baby, "Thank you, that's nice..."

Steve held Nate close and soon the kid stopped crying. Nat smiled and put the gaming console away in a drawer and then turned to Laura again, "Hey, maybe let Steve and I take the kids outside and you two take some time for yourselves... or just sleep or something. How does that sound?"

Relief washed over Laura's features and she smiled, "Yes, I would like that."

Steve grabbed the bag with blankets, clothes and other essentials that they always had packed with his free hand, still holding the baby in the other arm safely, "Great! Then let's go."

Lila and Cooper were a bit grumpy first but they realized there was no way out and just gave in. Shoelaces were tied in no time and out the door they went.

The two older children chased ahead while Steve and Nat followed behind. It was late summer and still hot outside. Not the burning hellhole kind of hot, that forced you to stay inside, but a invited you to spend time outside.

Cooper and Lila soon asked for their swimming clothes so they could play some game Steve and Nat weren't familiar with by the small lake near their home. Of course they handed them over and settled down on the picknick-blanket under some trees where they could still watch the two of them.

Nathaniel had fallen back asleep again, but Steve kept holding him and rocked him just the slightest bit every now and then.

The sun was creating small shapes where the leaves were not thick enough to create a roof over them. Natasha noticed how they made Steve's hair shine and how he carefully positioned himself in a way that protected the baby from those spots.

She smiled at them absentmindedly. Steve noticed her looking at him and he asked, "What's wrong?"

Natasha quickly shook her head, "No, nothing. I just think... he is so cute, you know."

Steve started smiling now too, "Yes, even when he cries."

They sat in silence again for a few minutes. Then Steve started talking again in a low voice, "Have you ever... I mean... do you ever think about it?"

Natasha's eyes lingered on Lila and Cooper who were splashing water at each other, "You mean... a family?"

Steve nodded slowly and looked down at the child in his arms, "Yeah... that."

Natasha started chewing on her bottom lip and sighed, "I... Steve, I..."

Immediately he could sense the question had made her deeply uncomfortable and he looked back at her, "No. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked you something so deeply personal."

Natasha sighed and now looked at him too, "That's not the problem. It's just hard to talk about this because, yes. Yes, of course I have thought about it. Everyone thinks about it sometimes, but I have accepted that I can't have it."

Steve wasn't sure what to say, but said something anyway, "Like... you can't have it because it's dangerous or..."

Natasha nodded, "Yes that. The Red Room made sure I won't have it."

Steve was about to apologize again for bringing it up but instead he just nodded. She didn't need an apology, she didn't cry or was upset. This was part of her life and she had decided to share it. And for that he was grateful.

Suddenly Nathaniel stirred in his arms and Steve started rocking him again right away so he wouldn't wake up.

A small smile came back to Nat's lips, "But I guess you'll be a great father some day. You are great with the little one."

Steve's smile mimicked hers as he turned his attention back to her, "Thank you... but, I guess..."

He was searching for the right words, for words that didn't make him sound stupid. Natasha waited patiently until he continued.

Steve looked down at the baby again briefly and then eyed Cooper and Lila, "Let me put it this way; There was a time when I wanted nothing more than a normal life. A nice wife and children and a little house where we would live together and see them grow up while we would grow old. But that's not what suits me anymore, really.

"My focus is on our team now, on helping others. This... you are some sort of family to me. I don't want kids and a wife, especially since I'm not particularly safe to be around but also because I have since rearranged my priorities. I can only tell you what I told Tony before. The guy who wanted all that went in the ice 75 years ago. I think someone else came out."

Natasha let that sink in for a moment before she found the words to answer again, "I... I never saw it that way, you I mean."

Steve smirked teasingly, "Well, how did you see me then?"

Natasha started grinning, "I can't tell you... children are listening."

Steve rolled his eyes, "Why is it that whatever shit we talk about it always turns sexual with you?"

A chuckle escaped Nat's mouth, "Language, Steve. You're going to rot Clint's kids and that is my job already."

Carefully Steve changed his position a bit to make himself more comfortable without waking the baby, "I think if we join forces we can do a way better job."

Nat smirked and said, "Well who knew you caught so much of my sass while being around me."

Steve was about to answer her when bare feet running through the grass and laughter interrupted them. Nathaniel opened his eyes and started crying again. Nat smiled and started going through the bag again, "I better look for the towels and a pacifier..."


	15. Brumous

**It's afternoon and I'm having not the best of days. I'm stressed and my washing machine just broke down, great! Also, I have to make this a quick one because I don't have time at all today.**

**Part of this is based on a concept that Steve was awake for the first minutes in the eyes. An inspiration for it is 'Stars and Stripes' by ravenously!**

**October 15th: Brumous  
(all over the place honestly, memories)**

_brumous [_'_**brUm**_ – _us]; adjective, English_

_of grey skies and winter days; filled with heavy clouds or fog; relating to winter or cold, sunless weather_

Natasha pulled at the ends of the scarf around her neck to tighten it. Usually she wasn't sensitive when it came to cold but there was something about this day that made her cold.

The cold wasn't something external necessarily. It felt like it was creeping outwards originating in her bones and slowly possessing her whole body. Nat shivered at that thought and picked up in pace while walking through Central Park.

It looked like Winter Wonderland at this time of year, but today there were hardly any people around. The wind was blowing ruthlessly carrying the snow with it. Icy crystals were hitting one's face while walking. It was too cold to enjoy any outdoor-activity.

Natasha glanced up at a clock when she passed one and slowed down. She was supposed to be at her checkup in about 30 minutes but was almost there. She hated the S.H.I.E.L.D. medics so being there early wasn't an option, even though it was just routine.

Frustrated she sat down on one of the frosty benches and took in the scenery.

There was nothing about this winter that reminded her of Russia; nothing but the harsh wind.

She remembered frostbite from her punishments of standing outside in the cold. The damaged roof that would sometimes let the snow into their 'dorms' and some girls even being found dead by the instructors because of their bodies not being able to handle the temperatures. The weak died and were removed during the same night they died.

Sometimes the older girls would tell the younger that they were not dead. There was quite enough death and sadness in the Red Room during daytime so the nighttime was still something safe and sacred for the young girls.

The older girls would tell old folklore-tales of house spirits and the frost king Morozko.

He was the one to take the girls away in the night because he needed them as friends for his maiden-helper Snegurochka. She was terribly lonely and sad and that's what made him sad too. The sadder he was the more bitter and deep was the winter. And that's why he needed the girls - for it to be spring sometime in the future again.

It was nice as long as it had lasted, keeping them entertained with fairytales, but Nat hat seen them carry the bodies away. The harsh reality ripped her out of the memory.

She almost expected to see other people walking together or out ice-scating on the frozen lake, but then she realized again that the day was brumous and unkind. The only ones who would skate today were Morozko and Snegurochka - and her if it could save her from that pointless checkup that started in 15 minutes. She should probably keep going, but she didn't rise, like she was frozen to the very bench she waited at.

* * *

He was looking out of the window on his floor in Stark Tower. The snow was falling and falling and didn't seem to ever want to stop again and just bury the world in a fluffy layer of white.

Sometimes he liked looking at the snow, it was calm, but not today. Today it reminded him of the feeling it leaves on your skin when a film of it collects.

Steve had always hated the cold. When he was a kid he had become sick as soon as a little breeze hit him. During winter he had been bedridden for at least half the season anyway. He knew his father had deeply hated him for that since the cost for his treatment was so high they would have to eat cabbage soup for weeks.

In general his winters had consisted mostly of coughing, screaming and cabbage soup.

Of course, the serum had changed everything. His body didn't react to the cold like before. He could dive into cold river-water and not feel the actual temperature. He could wear thin clothing when others needed a jacket. He never needed extra blankets during the war.

Then came the ice. And just when Steve had come to terms with the cold it had broken him again.

When he thought about it now, the feeling came back, the feeling of nothing but cold and agony; the feeling of drowning and not being able to die at the very same time.

Steve stepped away from the window and tried to shake it off, but he couldn't. The feeling didn't go away.

Steve let himself drop down on the couch. He felt like grabbing a blanket but he didn't since he already knew nothing could warm him up now. So he just kept sitting and waiting for the flashes of memory to pass.

There were no colors in a horribly cold place where nothing should live. But he lived and he wished for nothing more than death. And that wish had never fully left him.

Running a shaking hand through his hair Steve tried to breathe in a normal way.

He doesn't like to admit it, but it's panic he was having a panic attack. Suddenly Steve heard Jarvis' soft voice over the speaker, "Mr. Rogers. I don't mean to bother you, but I am concerned reading your vitals. Do you allow me to call Mr. Stark?"

Steve still wasn't able to breathe like he should, but the thought of Tony coming in and not shutting up was not exactly calming so he pressed out the words, "No... no... it's gonna... be fine."

Before his inner eye the control panel of the plane stuttered and finally turned dark. The last light, the last bit of hope was gone.

The AI paused for a moment before addressing him again, "Please, sir. Maybe anyone else?"

Steve knew he could handle it alone but Jarvis already knowing made him uncomfortable. Another wave of cold rushed through his whole body and he shivered. In defeat he whispered, "Is Natasha in?"

Jarvis confirmed. Steve hesitated for another moment before adding, "Then call her."


	16. Ya'aburnee

**I apologize for the shortness of this one, but I'm so tired I can't.**

**October 16th: Ya'aburnee  
(AU after Civil War, before Infinity War, Romanogers)**

يقبرني _[yak– __**ber**_ – _ni]; Arabic - ya'aburnee (male form); ta'aburnee (female form)_

_The hope that one's lover will die after them because of how unbearable life will be without them; literally: You bury me_

Steve clenched his teeth as Natasha tightened the bandage around his left upper arm, "Nat... you can stop it. It'll heal quickly."

With a sigh Natasha took another bandage from the medics bag she had bought on one of the markets of the city of Marokko. They had been lucky someone even sold something like that since their options were limited.

She ignored his remarks on how he was fine anyways and finished up her job of stopping the bleeding. Steve side-eyed his arm briefly and then looked at her, "Nat, I've taken worse stuff. This was just one bullet."

Natasha was about to ignore that too, but it infuriated her. She was keeping her calm and her voice was low so they wouldn't be discovered hiding in the small stable. However, by the tone of her voice Steve could clearly tell she was angry, "Just one bullet? If that shooter had better aim we wouldn't be talking now. Cause you would be dead, do you realize that?"

Steve leaned against the wall, "Please... don't. You act like this doesn't happen to us regularly."

Nat crossed her arms, "That doesn't mean you can do whatever you want, that you can throw your life away."

There was a pause between them. The donkey's lazy chewing and the not too far voices of the market filled the air between them. Finally Steve interrupted the strange scenery with a sigh, "I know... and I worry about you too, especially you. I just don't see a way to avoid danger."

Nat swallowed. Her anger slowly died away and faded into visible distress, "Steve, you can't die on my watch."

He hadn't expected a straightforward answer like that and his guard fell instantly. The urge to comfort her, to make her feel better was winning the fight against his defense speech, "Of course not... I'm right here, you see."

Natasha shook her head and looked down, "Yes, because you were lucky. We discussed that a minute ago."

"Tell me... why is it bothering you so much? Why now?" Steve carefully took her hand with his and squeezed lightly.

Nat looked at their hands for a moment before she met his eyes with hers. She tried to figure out how to say what to tell him. Hesitantly she started, "It has never really been a problem - the possibility of death. I knew it was there since early childhood. But then... something changed. I met you, I got to know you and I started trusting you and now I think I..."

There was another pause. Steve didn't interrupt but gave her the time she needed. Nat pressed her lips together for a second before opening her mouth and whispering, "I love you."

Steve was taken aback by that. She had never said it before. Nat now looked down again and continued, "And the thought of you being gone and me still existing disturbs me, it scares me more than anything else."

The donkey had stopped chewing and it was a lot quieter now in their hideout. Steve lightly brushed her cheek with his other hand and made her look up at him again by carefully lifting her chin, "I love you too. Never forget that... I feel the same way about you. And I understand."

Natasha smiled sadly, "I know it's stupid and it's not helpful, but you need to promise me to be more careful."

Steve's features softened a bit and he smiled, "I promise. Will you promise that too?"

Nat's smile now grew into something more genuine, "I do."

She leaned forward a bit and they shared a sweet kiss. This little promise in a donkey's stable at the other end of the world wasn't much but in that moment it felt like a lot.

It got darker outside and they knew they needed to leave to not be found here. Like thieves in the night they sneaked out of there quickly and made their ways back to the quinjet which was safer than any hotel in that area.

And they acted as if nothing had gone down between them because that's what they always did. But they knew and they would not allow each other to forget what was said.

And for the first time in her life Nat wasn't bothered by the fact that she was starting to open up to another person, that she could finally be herself for once.


	17. Querencia

**Oh, my... I fell asleep on Thursday writing this about 200 words in, then yesterday I spent my day in school for six hours and then in trains with no place I can sit down for another 4 hours. I really couldn't write after that. **

**So you now get October 17th and maybe (hopefully) I'll catch up. But it's so stressful this week. My life isn't fun currently at all.**

**October 17th: Querencia  
(CA:TWS, light Romanogers)**

_querencia [k__ɛˈ_ – _ɹɛ__n – s__ɪ__ə – yak]; Spanish_

_a place from which one's strength is drawn, where one feels at home; the place where you are your most authentic self_

"What are you doing here?" Steve stopped next to the door and switched on the lights. He was already clearing out his apartment in DC so boxes were standing around and the walls were bare.

Natasha was sitting on the carpet next to the couch in the middle of the room. Her hair was shorter again but she had still straightened it that day. She was looking up at him and smirked, "Did I scare you?"

Steve rolled his eyes and put down his gym-bag, "I thought you left a month ago?"

Nat leaned back and supported herself against the couch, "Yeah... I did and now I'm back again. I thought you had left already too."

Steve shook his head, "Nah. Sam really wants to come too and he needs to find someone to rent his apartment for about 6 months so he doesn't loose it."

Nat smiled, "And you clearly want to bring him along. Otherwise you wouldn't wait."

Steve smiled and walked over, "Nat, it's good to see you... and that you are well."

Nat looked up at him and chuckled, "What? Did you worry?"

Sitting down next to her he said, "I wouldn't call it that. But I have known you for quite some time now."

There was a pause before he added with a smile, "You know, I've missed you. It's strange to not have someone around who constantly makes fun of me."

Nat grinned, "Oh come on... I didn't mean that."

Steve looked at her as he was speaking, "I know, I know."

"Yeah, and also you weren't nice to me all the time."

Steve started grinning, "I was learning from the best, of course."

Nat now looked slightly up to face him, "I am glad you haven't left yet."

Steve met her eye and sighed, "Why are you here anyway? Do you need a place because I'm out of here soon too..."

Nat shook her head, "No no. I'm leaving again tomorrow, I have to. But I felt like I needed to see you."

Steve now was a bit concerned, "You needed to see me? Is there something wrong?"

Nat grinned, "Don't make that face. Everything's alright. I just wanted to check if you ever called that nurse. Practiced some more, you know?"

Steve now started laughing, "Really? You came all the way to catch up on my dating life?"

Nat lightly pushed him, "Of course! You deserve some happiness after all this shit."

Steve sighed, "That's nice, but I pass. I'm leaving very soon so I should probably not start things with anyone."

Nat tried to not look disappointed, "You don't have to throw yourself into a relationship. Just go out, have some fun!"

Steve smiled, "I'm sure you'll call me 'Grandpa' again, but that's not really what I'm looking for. I prefer getting to know each other before anything else happens."

Natasha smiled, "I kind of expected that from you. But you should have at least called Sharon. She is great. And with her job she understands that you may have to be away for a few weeks or months."

Steve considered what he was about to say, but then he said it anyway, "I maybe didn't really call anyone you suggested because I had someone in mind, but she doesn't seem interested."

Natasha looked at him in awe, "Why would you think that? How would anyone not be interested in you?"

"Well... she isn't really looking for a relationship. She probably has higher standards because she is gorgeous. And she always... she tries to set me up with others all the time."

Natasha was about to snap back, but then she shut her mouth again when she heard the last thing. She sat there for a moment before slowly saying, "Do you mean that? Do you realize... she is not right for you."

Steve smiled sadly, "I guess, I like her a lot. But I think I'm a bit too boring for her."

Natasha shook her head, "You are not! You are too good for her. She is an assassin who has used too many men before and broken too many hearts. You are a saint."

Steve hesitated, "Maybe... maybe I'm not. Maybe I've done horrible things too, but horrible things usually don't make the history books if they are committed by people that are supposed to be heroes."

Natasha swallowed hard before looking up at him again, "Still... she is leaving tomorrow. So you should probably forget about her."

Steve smiled and started running his hand through her hair, "Or... we could make the best of the one night we have before she leaves."

Natasha bit down on her lip. The wheels in her head were running. She was debating with herself. On the one hand, she wanted nothing more than be with him. On the other hand, she felt like she was using him if they started something.

Steve rested his hand on her cheek, "If she'll have me, of course."

Natasha took a deep breath before leaning towards him and pressing a kiss to his lips, "She will have you. But she doesn't want to hurt you."

Steve returned the kiss and pulled her close while mumbling, "She could never."


	18. Marahuyo

**Today I'm doing a Hogwarts AU and the characters in this one are out of character so don't read if you don't like that. I'm also using the sorting I like since there is no official one, so if you are easily offended by fictional characters not being in the Hogwarts house you want them to please skip**

**October 18th: Marahuyo  
(Hogwarts AU, friendship)**

_marahujo [__**ma**_– _ɹ__a – hoo – yo]; adjective, Filipino_

_to be enchanted_

Angrily Nat slammed a stack of books she had been carrying down on a table in the common room. There were only a few people hanging around in the room at that time of day since most of the younger students were still in class.

Steve looked up at her in surprise when she made her entrance, "What's up?"

Natasha crossed her arms in front of her chest and looked down on him with a stern expression, "'What's up?' You are acting like a total douche! Honestly, get your shit together, Rogers."

Confused he stared at the books, "I don't understand."

Nat sighed and sat down on a chair opposite of him, "When we make plans to meet each other at the library to study you come or you cancel. It's not okay to just not show and let me sit there alone trying to understand the difference between two plants that look exactly the same."

Steve smiled, "Oh, that was today? Sorry then..."

Nat interrupted him immediately, "No! There is no sorry. You are acting weird! You missed Quidditch practice yesterday and today is not the first time you don't show up to meet people. You are also not looking after your poor owl anymore and you always hang with that annoying Gryffindor girl when you are supposed to be in potions-class!"

Steve rolled his eyes and stood up, "You are not my boss, Nat! Leave me alone." He started walking towards the door.

Natasha stood up again too and followed him, "Where are you going?! We need to finish the project for Herbology."

Steve didn't turn around as he answered, "I don't care. I'll 'hang with that annoying Gryffindor girl'." And with that he slammed the door shut behind him.

Nat stopped and let out a frustrated groan. Steve and her had always gotten along great, but for the past few weeks he had changed a lot. Ever since he had started seeing Peggy Carter. Peggy was nice but she also was controlling and Nat found her pretentious and annoying.

But Steve didn't want to hear any of that. To him she was the most perfect being in existence and that was strange. He had never noticed her before their seventh year had started even though they had had classes together before.

A voice from behind made Nat jump a bit, "Is he acting up again?"

She turned around to find Wanda standing there. She was two years younger than Nat and Steve but they had become friends two years ago when they all had to do detention together.

Nat just shook her head and said, "I don't know... he is not himself. There is something wrong about this whole situation."

Wanda looked at her confused, "What do you mean?"

With a shrug Nat started playing with her green and silver tie, "I... I don't know. What if she is doing something to him?"

"Like a spell? Or a potion or something like that?" Wanda wasn't too sure about what Natasha was implying. Maybe she was just interpreting too much into the situation since she didn't like Peggy too much.

Nat sighed, "I know it sounds crazy... but it's so unlike him to drop everything just to spend all his time with her. He still has responsibilities. He'll fail his classes if he doesn't try harder and he is disappointing his team. He is our Quidditch captain, for God's sake! He can't let the others down like that."

Wanda nodded slowly. She wasn't too alarmed by Steve failing his classes because he had never really cared for good grades, but him throwing Quidditch out like that was strange. He had been thinking about a career as a player and for that he needed to be fully invested.

Tapping her foot Wanda looked at Nat quizzically, "Let's say you are right and she is enchanting him, how do we proof that."

Nat looked down and said, "We could spy on them. If she really does something she'll have to refresh it every now and then."

Wanda was about to argue that suggestion, but she couldn't think of another way of finding out so she nodded. She was bored anyway.

Natasha smiled and dragged the other girl along. They left the dungeons and ran up the stairs to leave through the back. The lake was located on that side of the castle and Nat knew this was where Steve and Peggy usually liked to meet up. And she was right. Wanda and her stayed between the trees so they wouldn't be seen by Steve and Peggy who where sitting on a blanket facing the lake.

They could hear them joking about something and laughing when they arrived. Wanda really wanted to believe it was real for Steve's sake, but with everything she knew Nat was probably right and there was something fishy about it.

Peggy ran her fingers through Steve's hair and smiled as she said, "Maybe we could go to Hogsmead tonight... just the two of us?"

Steve looked at her and sighed, "I'd love that, but Natasha is really pissed off and I need to do my part of our Herbology project tonight."

For a moment confusion flashed in Peggy's eyes, but she managed to keep that smile on her lips, "Oh... that's unfortunate. You should probably reconsider. Natasha is trying to take you away from me. She's just jealous."

Steve smiled in an amused manner, "Nat? No, you must be mistaken. She's my friend."

Peggy sighed, "And I'm your girlfriend... Hey, can you get me something to drink from my purse over there?"

She was pointing at a spot not too far from the two of them where they had put their bags and jackets. Steve nodded and got up immediately, "Yeah, of course."

He walked over to the bags and turned his back on her while going through her bag. Quickly Peggy picked up her wand and pointed it at him while whispering a spell. A soft lilac mist surrounded Steve and slowly dissolved again after a few seconds.

Steve paused, but then pulled out a waterbottle and walked back over to Peggy.

Natasha and Wanda were watching in awe as he sat back down and Peggy asked him to go out with her and ditch Natasha again. Now he said yes almost immediately.

Natasha was about to run out of the hiding spot immediately and confront Peggy, but Wanda held her back and whispered, "Wait... what are you going to say?"

Natasha broke free from her friend but stayed down, "That she's a bitch and should leave him alone of course."

Wanda sighed and shook her head, "Don't he's not going to believe you. He's under her spell, remember? She's going to get what she wants."

Natasha looked down for a moment before pulling out her wand, "I know how to get him out of this."

Wanda looked down at Nat's hand unsure but then nodded and let her go. She followed behind as Nat made her way towards the two sitting on the blanket.

Nat caught their attention by speaking up, "Hey! Leave him alone, okay? I saw what you just did!"

Peggy was acting surprised and held onto Steve's arm, "What do you mean? Steve... she's scaring me."

Steve looked from Nat to Wanda and back, "What is this about? Leave her alone. I told you not to bother me with it!"

Natasha shook her head, "she is hexing you, Steve! I saw her do an Entrancing Enchantment!"

Steve shook his head and looked at Peggy, „You would never do anything like that."

Peggy shook her head and met his eye, "Never..."

"Then you probably don't mind this." Natasha raised her wand and pointed it at Steve. He looked at her with a shocked expression, but Peggy was clearly alarmed. Before she could say something, however, Nat shouted, "Surgito!"

Slowly realization dawned on Steve and he looked from Nat to Peggy with anger dominating his features. He still kept his calm and in a low voice said, "Please, let go of me now."

Peggy hesitated for a moment before letting go of his arm and moving away. Steve got up from the blanket and walked over to Nat. She was about to say something when he just hugged her.

A bit caught off guard she slowly hugged him back. He whispered a 'Thank you'.


	19. Cafuné

**Thanks for the reviews y'all left for the past few chapters. I'm glad you enjoy the one-shots. Also, yeah, I know I'm dropping the ball but I'm honestly so busy, I'm doing three different internships for uni that will all last until mid-December. Some days are so full.**

**This one is actually a sequel to the 17th one-shot.**

**October 19th: Cafuné  
(Post CA:TW AU, Romanogers, Nat centered)**

_cafuné [__**ka**_– _foo – 'ne]; verb, Brazilian Portugese_

_running your fingers through the hair of someone you love_

Natasha carefully held the baby in her arms and whispered a lullaby in his ear while walking up and down the hall. It was early in the morning and only the light from the guest room was on so it was quite dark.

The little baby boy was already sleeping soundly in Natasha's arms, but she wanted to make sure he wouldn't wake so she continued walking up and down. The farm house was quiet and Nat was sure everyone else was asleep, but she was proven wrong when she heard a door open.

Laura walked out of the master-bedroom as quietly as possible, but stopped when she saw Natasha, "Nat, why are you awake? Did he cry again?"

Natasha shook her head, "No, no. I just wanted to make sure he's asleep."

Laura smiled kindly, "You should better go to bed again. You need to sleep when he does."

Natasha sighed and was about to answer when Clint walked out of the bedroom too. He held onto his mobile phone and hissed, "Wait a second."

Laura watched him go downstairs before she passed Nat, "Sorry... I really need to go pee..."

She disapperead into the bathroom quickly and Nat followed Clint downstairs. Now he was talking a bit louder since his two kids couldn't hear him anymore, "Tony... you can't just call me anytime. It's in the middle of the night where I live right now..."

Nat sat down on the couch and waited for him to finish the call. Clint said 'mhm' and 'Okay' for a few times before saying, "Nat? Yes, I am in contact. I can ask her too."

Tony then responded and Clint ended the call with, "Yeah, I understand. I'll call you back."

Nat looked at Clint curiously, "What's going on?"

Clint sighed and put the phone down. He walked over to Nat and sat down next to her on the couch, "Tony wants us to come and live with him in his tower in New York. He now calls it 'Avengers Tower' and he thinks it's safer to all be in one spot if there is some kind of emergency."

Natasha looked down at the little baby boy in her arms, "He asked everyone? Did he... reach everyone?"

Clint followed her eyes with his, "Nat... you need to talk to him. If you are sure that James is his..."

Nat interrupted him immediately but kept her voice low not to disturb the kid, "Yes, of course it's his... otherwise I would never have one. You know that, Clint."

Clint smiled, "Nat, chill. It's going to be okay."

Running her fingers over the soft hair on her son's head Natasha said, "But what if it's not, though. Maybe he doesn't want a baby, especially with me."

Clint shook his head and chuckled, "Stop saying that. Steve is probably going to be on Cloud 9 when he finally finds out he has a son. And if he didn't like you he wouldn't have told you he does."

Natasha nodded slowly, "It makes sense when you tell me, but what do I do? Call him and be like 'Hey Steve, remember when we had sex about 10 months ago? Yeah, cool, we have a baby now.'?"

Clint cracked up and smirked, "If you insist I can have that conversation with him. I can invite him to come here..."

For a few minutes Nat looked at her sleeping baby. She had panicked when she had found out the impossible had happened and had gratefully accepted Clint's and Laura's offer to stay with them. Now that the baby was born she was over the moon, but there was still Steve who had no idea and was probably somewhere on the other side of the earth to look for Bucky.

Finally Nat said, "Maybe we should wait. We have no idea where Steve is."

Clint looked from his bare feet up to face her again, "Actually... he should already be back in New York. Tony said Steve had already agreed on moving in and would do so over the course of the next month."

Nat was caught off guard by that statement. She hesitated, but then sighed, "Yeah... you should call him then. Or probably I should call him."

Clint smiled, "No offense, Nat, but maybe let me handle it. You can speak to him too but I can break the news."

Relieved Nat nodded, "Thank you... It's really hard, you know."

Clint grinned, "It's crazy, really. I thought you were joking when you first showed up here out of the blue..."

Nat laughed briefly, "That was really shitty of you. But I wouldn't have believed it too."

There was a pause before Clint spoke up again, "Are you going to go live with Tony in New York?"

Natasha softly rocked James back and forth, "Probably not... he is going to freak if I bring a kid in. He doesn't need to know."

Clint nodded, "Sounds reasonable. He would probably never shut up."

Nat smiled, "How about you? Are you leaving now that Laura is pregnant again?"

Clint sighed, "I don't know yet... I feel really bad if I just leave her alone, but I could maybe go back and forth between New York and here."

Natasha nodded and said, "That's not a bad idea. Tony wouldn't be too suspicious."

Clint slowly rose from the couch and grabbed his phone before sitting back down, "Are you ready?"

Natasha stared down at the phone before looking at the baby again, "Yes... it's about time."

Clint smiled before picking a contact and starting the call. After a few seconds Steve picked up and Clint said, "Hey, Steve. Do you have time right now? This is kind of really important."


	20. Sehnsucht

**You're right. Cafuné definitely needs a sequel and here it is. I hope it doesn't disappoint. It's also my third German word, these are overrepresented a bit because I can be sure they are correct :)**

**October 20th: Sehnsucht  
(Post CA:TW AU, Romanogers)**

_Sehnsucht [__**zEn**_– '_zUkt]; noun, German_

_the inconsolable longing in the human heart for we know not what; but also: missing something/someone terribly and all the time_

Steve had a hard time not speeding down the country road, but to drive the rental car at a legal speed. The past hours had been sort of a blur for him. Not only had Clint invited him to stay at his home in the middle of nowhere with his wife and children, who he apparently had, but also with Natasha and her baby who was, according to Clint, also Steve's child.

It had been hard to casually tell Tony he had to take care of an old apartement of his so his move to Tony's tower would probably be delayed for a bit. Now, after a few hours on a plane, Steve's navigation in his rental car was telling him he was almost there.

The phone call where Clint had told him all that in a calm manner had lasted almost an hour. He had also spoken to Natasha which made all of this extremely real.

A few hours ago his biggest concerns were rebuilding the old team and moving. Now he suddenly had a family to worry about.

But he also was extremely happy. He would meet his son, something he never thought he could have, very soon. Nat had told him she had named the baby 'James' after Bucky who meant a lot to both of them.

She had considered a few options but had actually settled on James pretty quickly. It had just felt right with her.

She had also described the kid to him, but Steve couldn't wait to actually see him in real life and also see Natasha. He had really missed her and tried to contact her a few times, but she had deactivated her phone number.

Finally Steve reached the farm house and parked the car. Hesitantly he opened the driver's door and exited the vehicle.

* * *

Natasha was standing by the window all day. Not too long ago she had put James in the crib so he could nap. Another hour passed before a car parked in the driveway.

She saw Steve leave the car and quickly made her way to the door to meet him there. She quietly watched him retrieve his bag and saw him stop when he spotted her standing there.

A small smile reached his lips. Natasha hadn't fully recovered from her pregnancy, but she was beautiful nonetheless. She looked happy actually.

Steve shut the car door and walked up to the house where he stopped in front of Natasha.

They just looked at each other for a few seconds before hugging. Steve held Natasha close and she wrapped her arms around him.

"It's good to finally see you again, Nat." Steve felt her smile into his shoulder and they parted a bit, but still held onto each other.

Natasha looked him up and down, "I'm so glad you came... I didn't really know how to tell you..."

Steve suddenly lit up even more and said, "Can... can I see him?"

Natasha nodded and led him inside, "He's asleep, but I can wake him."

Steve immediately felt bad when he heard that. He left his bag in the hall and followed Nat through the rooms. He remembered who their host was when he saw photos of a family on the walls and was about to ask if Clint was home too, but he instantly forgot about it when they came to a stop next to a baby's crib.

James was sleeping soundly between his sheets, his soft red baby hair was ruffled and he was using one of his hands as a pacifier.

Carefully Nat reached down and picked up her young son. The baby woke up from that almost immediately and started crying. His big blue eyes looked around the room startled, but when he focused on Nat who was calming him down, the crying stopped soon.

Natasha lovingly placed a kiss on her baby's forehead before turning to he could look at Steve, "Look James... it's your daddy. He's here for you now."

Steve smiled at the baby, still in disbelief a little, "Hi James... you are so beautiful, like your mom."

It was still a little foreign for Nat to be referred to as someone's mum, but she started to like it. She now addressed Steve again, "Do you want to hold him?"

Steve hesitated, "I would love that... but I don't want to scare him or something."

Natasha shook her head and carefully handed the baby over to him, "No, that's okay. He needs to get used to his dad."

When he finally held the small child in his arms Steve felt a strange sensation rush over him. This was real, this was his son and he never wanted to let him go ever again.

It was a feeling unlike any other. He suddenly wanted nothing more than protect this boy over anything else.

Steve held him close and smiled as the baby reached for his nose with one of his tiny hands. Steve quietly said, "Nat... I adore this kid. I love him."

Natasha smiled in relieve and nodded, "Yeah. I know how you feel. When I first was pregnant I was so scared but now I am so happy."

Steve looked from James to her, "And I left you alone... you should have called or something."

Natasha shook her head, "You couldn't have known. And I had Laura to support me. She helped a lot."

A moment later Nat realized Steve didn't know and added quickly, "She is Clint's wife. They have two children already so she's kind of an expert. She is pregnant again too."

Steve smiled at her again, "That's great for them... I'm excited to meet them as well. I never really suspected such a secret life from Clint."

Nat smirked, "Yeah, he's good at hiding it. Very good. But I guess the thought of Tony finding out kept his mouth shut."

Steve chuckled and looked at James who had settled in his arms again, "Well... that's something we'll have to figure out."

Nat sighed, "Yeah, that's unfortunate. But let's first stay here for a bit and figure everything else out together."

Steve nodded and looked at her again, "That would be great."


	21. Petrichor

**I hope you enjoy this one; It's just a little thing that might happen to anyone.**

**October 21st: Petrichor  
(Post AoU, pre Civil War, friendship)**

_petrichor [__**pe **_– _trahy – kawr]; noun, English_

_the wonderful smell in the air after it's been raining_

The earth was dry and the plants desperate for water. The lack of rain hadn't been too good to nature but in most parts of New York City it didn't show anyway. Around the New Avengers Facility, however, it was more visible.

Steve and Nat had decided to go jogging, make the most of the morning before it would get too hot again. But against all odds it wasn't the sun that was looming on the horizon but clouds, thick and dark.

The weather forecast had once again been useless; Yesterday in the evening the lady in the short skirt had just promised two more days of beaming sunshine and hot temparatures before there would be a drop and a storm midweek.

Apparently, despite her enthusiasm, she had been wrong.

When they had heard a faint thunder in the distance they had already turned around, but now it was much more they had to worry about.

It had gotten significantly colder and the first drops of rain hit the dry earth - it's salvation was finally here, but not theirs.

Nat was following closely behind Steve and she was trying to catch her breath as she said, "We can't make it before the thunderstorm hits... what are we gonna do?"

Steve slowed down until she was next to him not behind him, "We need to look for shelter. Maybe there is something nearby."

Nat looked around and thought about it as more and more raindrops reached the ground, "I think there's a cave system in this area. The entrance should be somewhere here."

Steve nodded slowly, "Lead the way then."

It took Natasha a few minutes to find the spot. When she saw it she trimpuhantly called out to Steve, "There it is! I knew it was around here somewhere."

Steve quickly made his way to where she was standing and together they fled the rain. Drops were falling in close proximity now and rain was filling the air. Lightning and thunder were still distant, but they were coming closer.

There was something magical about the rainfall. It was as if this was exactly what was supposed to happen.

Steve looked around a bit inside their hideout. The entrance to the cave system was rather large and the walls of the rocky surface had been carved by the elements.

Natasha was standing near the entrance watching the rain. Her silhouette was a soft contrast against the darkened woodland outside. Lightning was closer now already and illuminated everything around them for a moment.

Steve felt like he was drawn to her and slowly walked back out of the cave, coming to a stop right before the rain would hit him; next to Nat.

She turned slightly to look at him and smiled, "It's kind of beautiful, don't you think?"

Steve nodded and smiled, "Like a storm of fireflies that are tossed away by lightning who stole their light."

Natasha grinned at that and looked from the rain to him, "No need of being so poetic."

With a light chuckle Steve turned to her too, "When else do I get the opportunity?"

Rolling her eyes at him Natasha said, "That's no reason to hit me with it. I can't hit back with something so pseudo-deep."

Steve started grinning when she said that, "Pseudo-deep? Hey! That was cool not some stuff that kids would put on tumblr."

Natasha laughed out and looked at him in amusement, "Of all the things out there you learned what tumblr is? Really?"

The smirk still on his lips Steve lightly turned to look at her, "Hey, it's a cool website. People have issues but also a huge imagination."

Natasha shook her head and looked at him now too, "Why do I have a feeling you would have used tumblr as a kid if you had it?"

Steve chuckled again and ran his fingers through his hair, "Because it's probably true. Was it around when you were a kid."

Natasha shrugged, "I guess not. The internet was fairly new when I was around 15 or something and I had bigger problems than that at that age."

Steve nodded, "I see... you had no time to become some deep teen online-„

Natasha lightly pushed him away with her shoulder, "Hey... it really was that way..."

Grinning Steve pulled her closer again, "But in different circumstances you would probably have been one."

Natasha grinned and supported herself against him, "Yeah... it sounds like my kind of thing, honestly. We would both have been overly emotional punks just at different times."

Steve nodded, "Sounds reasonable."

The thunderstorm slowly dissolved and the last clouds made way for the sun again. The world looked like it had taken a bath and everything shimmered like it was still covered in dew.

Nat looked around and then turned to him again, "Let's head back... I really do want breakfast now."

Steve nodded and they headed out of the cave again, "That's another thing we can agree on."


	22. Nighthawk

**Today's word has many meanings. It's an actual bird and also a synonym for Nightowl, apparently. But for what I intend I found a lengthy and beautiful definition.**

**It's about Nat finding a source of strength during the years after the snap. Originally the Russos had intended for Nat to be an advocate for children orphaned by the snap, they really should have used it - it's beautiful!**

**October 22nd: Nighthawk  
(During Endgame, Nat-centered)**

_nighthawk [__**nyt **_– _hawk]; noun, English_

_A reoccurring thought that only seems to strike you late at night - an overdue task, a nagging guilt, a looming and shapeless future, that circles high overhead during the day, that pecks at the back of your mind while you try to sleep, that you can successfully ignore for weeks, only to feel its presence hovering outside the window, waiting for you to finish your coffee, passing the time by quietly building a nest._

For Natasha tossing and turning was nothing new in particular, but tonight was really bad. She had tried to sleep for hours now, but there was no way she'd actually find some rest.

All week she had been alone in the Facility. Steve usually came in twice-ish during the week but he hadn't shown himself those past seven days. He was really busy with the support groups he had started up about two months ago and she was glad he was doing something useful.

While all the others were out there with the people she was locking herself in this big building all on her own. Nat had started trying to help the people out there, had opened a fond for the victims of accidents related to the snap, but she was overwhelmed with all the sadness and loss - the loss she had caused by not being strong enough to stop this from happening in the first place.

With a sigh Nat turned towards the window to see the moonlight's faint glow through the slits in her blinds.

After Steve had started with his charity work there was this new feeling that was overpowering the guilt, the desperation. It wasn't hope exactly, but maybe a little like hope. There was still something they could do to improve the world, to help the people that were still there.

So Natasha had started looking into causes she could dedicate herself to. She had thought about homeless animals or fighting for democratic rights in countries where opportunists had taken over after the snap.

But the more she looked into options the more she was drawn to helping kids.

Orphanages had soon been overwhelmed with the number of children who had lost the parents that had cared for them. Government buildings had been repurposed as orphanages, part of the children had stayed in tents for weeks until a new building was found.

There was still a lack of child care workers and means to provide healthy food or electronics for the kids. Natasha knew she needed to do something and she had done something.

After not hearing from him for a full six months she had contacted Tony again. The man had purchased a house by a lake with Pepper and they were living there alone, never making public appearances anymore.

So to get rid of Natasha quickly Tony had gifted to her a great number of Stark-Pads and a check to renovate orphanages in multiple states.

Nat herself had sold some of the items the Avengers no longer needed to make more money for what she intended.

Now she had been sitting on all the stuff for about a week. She needed to leave the Facility and go to DC where the center for orphaned children was located.

It should be an easy thing to do, but for her it was difficult. Maybe they didn't even want her help, maybe they were angry she came out of the woodwork now and had left them alone with their problems for a good year - that she had waited until the worst of the dust had settled to make it easy for herself.

But then it occurred to her that every kind of help was needed, no matter if late or not. She had already received the things from Tony so what would she do with them anyway if she didn't give them to the people they were intended for?

Natasha often thought about why it were the children in particular she had settled on as being the ones who deserved help the most. She came to realize soon that it was because she knew loneliness and helplessness. She knew how long the nights were when you didn't know if your parents were out there somewhere or if you would be lonely for all eternity in a bed that was not yours with girls that weren't really your sisters.

She didn't want that feeling for the orphans, victims of the snap just as much as the people taken away. She needed them to have a new home, something like a family. She needed for them to not have that feeling and to think about nothing but the drabness their lives had become.

Turning her back on the window again, Natasha let out a sigh. Tomorrow she needed to go. She had everything ready, she just needed to deliver. Most likely it would be fine. They would be grateful. They didn't need to be.

She had talked to Steve before if he wanted to help her with it. He had told her he would of course support her, but he wouldn't go with her. This was her thing and not his. He wouldn't take this away from her. First Nat was a bit disappointed, but then she understood. She knew that he meant well and that he meant for her to grow stronger through helping others like he did.

And it was starting to work. To get the donations she had had to leave the Facility multiple times over the course of the past two weeks. More often than she had been out the whole of the past month.

Maybe this wasn't just a nice thing she did once. Maybe she could continue working with the orphanages and become better for them - because the children deserved someone to care for them in a time where everyone was very much focused on their own problems.


	23. Cósagach

**Now I'm really trying to catch up! But I'm not likely to finish while it's still October. This one is me desperately waiting for the cold weather to come back because all week it has been way too warm for the fall - it's horrible.**

**October 23rd: Cósagach  
(During Endgame, light Romanogers)**

_cósagach [__**kaw **_– _sa – goch]; noun, Scottish Gaelic_

_to be snug, cozy, sheltered_

His steps echoed from the walls of the study. Natasha wasn't even looking up from her paperwork. She knew it was him because no one else really showed up without calling first.

She was tired. Every day was the same now. Endless paperwork to huddle over, calls with the rest of the team who are telling her that 'No, there is nothing new. There are no threats and no solutions for their current condition of existence.'

In fact, it's no monotonous that Nat hadn't even realized it had snowed until she had looked out of the window a few days ago and there was a thick white layer sitting protectively on the frozen ground.

Nat pulled a strand of hair behind her ear. It had grown out quite a lot already. The roots were red, her natural haircolor, but the tips were still blonde. She had stopped caring about it so coloring it again or cutting it was just not part of her routine. She would rather use the time that would take for work.

The steps stopped in front of her desk and now finally Nat looked up. Steve was wearing a pullover and jeans, his boots and jacket he had already taken off by the door, she assumed. He was looking at her with concern.

She sighed and leaned back in her chair, "Can I help you?"

Steve smiled, "Yes, actually I wanted to come visit and spend time with you."

Natasha shook her head and looked back down to follow up on the next tip on her stacks and stacks of paper, "That's nice... but I'm not done yet. Maybe come back on another day."

Now Steve let out a sigh as well, "No... you look overworked and you really need a break. Please let work be work for a few hours and come watch a movie with me."

Natasha pressed her lips together and forced herself to look at him again, "A movie? What kind of movie?"

Steve shrugged, "Whatever kind you want."

Natasha ran one hand through her hair, "Do we really have to do this now? I'm busy. I'm receiving strange Emails from Rocket that he and Nebula are building a bomb because they suspect criminal activity in China... and I really need to stop them from..."

Steve cut her off there, "Nat... come on. They are not doing anything without you telling them to. It can wait until tomorrow. If it's urgent they can always call. Just bring your phone."

Natasha looked down for a second before slowly nodding and rising from her chair, "Yes... okay. But it's just one movie and then you leave me alone again."

Steve nodded, "Sure, I promise."

Grabbing her phone with one hand she followed him through the door and down the stairs.

Surprised she stopped by the doorframe when they entered the living room. There was a fire going in the chimney and snacks and tea were waiting for them on the small table.

Natasha looked from all the stuff to Steve confused, "When did you make this? You just came in..."

He shook his head, "I came in an hour ago and you didn't even notice. So I figured you needed something nice to keep you away from work."

Looking down Nat took a shaky breath. Never before had she not noticed an 'intruder'. Let alone one starting a fire and cooking tea just below her feet, roaming the house for an hour before deciding to show himself.

Steve walked back over to the door and carefully offered her his open arms, "Nat, come on... it's okay. You have a lot going on right now."

Hesitantly she allowed him to embrace her and rested her head against his chest. Quietly she said, "How would you know? You are never here anyway."

Softly Steve painted circles on her back with his hand and said, "I know... I wanted to help you, but you didn't want that. Just because you are the boss now, you don't need to shoulder everything alone, you know?"

She felt the need to bury her face in the warmth of his pullover, but resisted and said, "I don't need to bother you... I can deal with it."

Steve sighed and pulled her closer, "You know that this was once my job... and I was also stupid and didn't want anyone's help for a long time. But help is good, Nat. It's not a weakness to have people who care about you."

Natasha felt like his words were stabbing her and she flinched, "I... I can handle this. This is my life."

Steve tried to comfort her again, "This shouldn't be your life. You need a social life and friends and you need to get out of here from time to time. Please let me help you."

There was a pause between the two of them. They just kept standing there, holding each other. Finally Nat broke the pause and looked up to face him. She was a bit calmer now, "I'll think about it."

Steve smiled a small smile and nodded, "That's fine. Let's maybe start with the movie before the tea gets cold."

Natasha now managed to smile a little too and slowly broke the embrace, "Yes, that's right..."

She held onto his hand and they walked over to the couch while the fire crackled nearby.


	24. Gossamer

**Since I do too little Steve chapters and I kind of love to torture him a little this is what you get for number 24.**

**October 24th: Gossamer  
(During CA:TWS and AoU, Steve-centered)**

_gossamer [__**gos **_– _uh – muh]; noun, English_

_a very thin thread that spiders produce to make webs_

For the fact that she was overly invested in his love-life (or the lack thereof) he knew nothing of hers.

Steve was laying on his side, watching Natasha's peaceful frame next to him. He wasn't sure if she was truly asleep but she hadn't moved for quite some time now.

It had been a stressful day. It wasn't exactly winding down what they were doing at Sam's place while Hydra was looking for them everywhere, but it was something similar.

As he was watching the steady rise and fall of her chest and the her soft hair that was spreading across her pillow he felt a strange familiarity - like this was how it was supposed to be. But it really wasn't. Nat was his partner, but nothing more than that.

On the other hand he was still thinking about the kiss they had shared in that shopping center, the seductive looks she shot him every now and then and the touch of her hand whenever she was passing him.

Did a spider build her web with a specific prey in mind or did it just speculate and maybe get lucky?

Were all of those things Nat did meant to make him want her or was she just playing with him. Was he just in some game she was playing and dodged for another toy if she got bored of him?

Steve started chewing on his bottom lip and turned away from her. He shouldn't be thinking about her all the time. There were problems they had to face and it wasn't exactly the right time to fall in love.

Suddenly Steve felt her arm around his waist, her body close to his, her touch delicate against his skin. He froze as she whispered, "Steve... go to sleep now. I know you are thinking about what Zola said to you today, that you died for nothing. I know you are thinking about Bucky too... but please don't think about anything at all for a few hours. We need to be fit tomorrow so we need to sleep now."

If only she knew what it was he was actually thinking about. He himself was surprised that with everything going on currently it was still her that dominated his mind. He sighed, relaxed a bit and nodded, "Thank you... I'll do my best. You should sleep too now."

Natasha didn't move back to her side of the bed but stayed right where she was, "Yes... doing my best. Good night, soldier."

Steve tried to not react to her touch in an inappropriate way and just lay there, "Good night, Nat."

* * *

Wood-chopping was like therapy in a way. With force Steve brought the axe down again and with ease he split the block of wood in half.

Clint had a secret life.

Thor left without explanation.

Ultron was still out there.

The Maximoff twins were getting stronger.

Nat was sharing a room with Bruce.

The axe came down again, harder this time, leaving a dent in the block that he used as support.

Maybe if he hadn't left to look for Bucky unsuccessfully she would still be closer to him. Maybe if he had made an effort to get closer to her again after they had met again she would still look at him the way she used to.

Now he saw her quietly building another web, tying the strings together one by one.

A soft laugh when Bruce was telling a joke, a suggestive look over the bar - across the room; And now they were sharing a room, a bed and maybe more than that.

Steve picked up the pieces of wood and threw them on the stack. He grabbed another log and placed it in front of him. He swung the axe at it and it got stuck in the log below.

Steve stared at it for a moment. While he was out here chopping wood a crazy killer robot was out there plotting the end of the world and the only thing he was thinking about was his inability to make a move towards Natasha and her turning to another man.

He should be the one to lead the team so he should probably focus on what's important, but the more he tried the more finding Ultron got pushed backwards and Natasha's smile and touch were important. The touch he couldn't have anymore.

Frustrated Steve pulled the axe out of the log and continued with the wood-chopping. Now it was too late anyway. She had lost all interest in him, it seemed.

When Steve picked up the next piece of wood to cut in half the door to the Barton-family-home opened and Tony walked out. Great! Another person he'd rather not deal with right now.

Tony was walking over and stopped near him, "Where'd you get that axe?"

Steve looked at the other man for a second, "There are a few tools behind the house. Why?"

Tony shrugged, "Is there maybe another one?"

Steve looked at him in surprise, "I think so yes... I thought you were busy tracking... the robot?"

Tony shook his head, "I don't need to sit next to the computer to do that. Besides, I am kind of the outsider in the house now. Clint and Laura and Nat and Bruce have all gone to their rooms, doing the dirty or something... so it's pretty boring in there."

Tony grinned but Steve felt like he had been punched in the guts repeatedly. Maybe Nat and Bruce weren't doing anything at all, but maybe they were and that thought made Steve feel all kinds of things. Disappointment was in there but also anger and immense sadness.

Steve wanted to scream and punch something right now, instead he rolled his eyes and started chopping again, "Really, Tony?"

The other man shrugged and started walking around the house, "Whatever. I'm going to look for that axe."

Steve followed the other man with his eyes. Maybe spiders built their webs with a purpose and a goal in mind after all. And he was no longer part of that goal. He was out of the picture and he wished for nothing more than to be able to cut her out of his picture too, but it didn't seem to work.

He had lost Natasha, now it didn't matter what happened to him any longer.


	25. Mad'ouk

**This one is both a little sad and a little hopeful. Focused on Steve during the final battle in Endgame. I'm not exactly sure that the word actually means what I wrote, I found conflicting information.**

**October 25th: Mad'ouk  
(During Endgame, Steve-centered)**

مدعوك_ [__**mehd **_– _ao___– k'n_]; adjective, Arabic_

_experienced or toughened by life_

Every inch of his body hurt, reminded him that he was still there, that he was still fighting. Everyone else was down, he knew that much. And he was down too, technically, but he couldn't let that happen.

Thanos was strong, way stronger than they had hoped and also came way sooner than they had hoped after their re-snap.

Now that it had finally been right again, the people were back. They had made it. Now he was about to destroy the whole earth, the whole universe. Steve couldn't let that happen.

Natasha came to his mind. She had given up her life for one of those stupid stones, had trusted them to make it right and now everything was about to fall apart. He couldn't let that happen. For her sake and for everyone who had just started existing again. For Bucky and Wanda and Sam who were out there somewhere and deserved to live.

Steve did his best to ignore the pain, the wounds, the blood. Clumsily he fumbled for the belt to fasten his broken shield to his arm. Finally he found it and pulled once, with force - determination. He wasn't down yet, he was still between Thanos and his goal to kill everyone.

Gritting his teeth Steve supported his bodyweight on his arms and then his hands and slowly got up. The thought of his friends who needed protection, the thought of Natasha who needed justice were fresh in his mind, motivating him to keep going.

He got up because he always got up. His mom had taught him never to lay down and wait for your death but to always get back up. He had followed her advise as a kid when he was terribly sick and could have died easily if he hadn't fought for his life.

He had also followed it as a young man, weak and unable to put up a real fight, but still he didn't look away when injustice happened and put himself between the bully and the victim.

In the army he had also used that one thing that Sarah Rogers always told him. 'Get up!'

No matter how bad it was, if it was a bullet-wound or a burn or exhaustion - Steve had always stood back up and kept fighting.

Now he followed his mother's advise more than ever before. He stumbled but then turned around to face Thanos again.

Out of breath and beaten he looked around. The Chitauri had assembled. They looked exactly like he remembered them from the battle of New York. Then there were these huge machines and ships that were also present in Wakanda five years ago.

Thanos and his minions stood in the front, triumphantly smiling at him. Waiting for him to make a move, to end this and fall like the others had, to stay down like they did.

Steve took a shaky breath and tried to keep it together. This was it, he had no chance, but he refused to give up. This was not what Natasha deserved, he couldn't allow that she died for this.

Especially now that he was all alone he desperately wanted her to be here with him. He needed her to yell at him to get up and fight. He wanted her to know they had made it and he knew she would be here and fight with every last bit of strength in her body to keep it that way.

But Nat wasn't there and he needed to find strength without her. He needed to do it _for _her. Carefully he placed his broken shield in front of his body. Although it was no longer as useful to protect him it still gave him a sense of stability and energy.

With another deep breath that made his lungs expand and his whole body burn like hellfire Steve calmed down again and was about to make his first move when he suddenly heard a voice, a voice that he had almost forgotten.

"Hey, Cap, do you read me? Cap, it's Sam. Can you hear me?..."

There was a small pause, but then Steve heard a sizzling sound slightly behind him. Then Sam's voice came back on the radio, "On your left."

And then suddenly they all were there again. All around him portals opened and the friends he believed lost already came to his aid.

This wasn't the last straw. Thanos hadn't won, he hadn't disappointed all of them, hadn't disappointed Nat. There was still hope for them, for the whole world. And he would do everything in his might to win this fight.


	26. Feuillemort

**I saw you loved the chapters with James in them so for chapter 26 I'm doing another one with him and also with his sister. This is not connected to the other ones that have James, it's completely separate.**

**October 26th: Feuillemort  
(AU, Romanogers)**

_feuillemort [__**fœj **_– _more]; adjective, French_

_the color of a dying, faded leaf in fall_

James held onto his little sister's hand carefully and walked slower than he normally would so she could keep up. 2-year-old Sarah's blonde hair was just long enough to stick out under her bright red beanie.

James' red hair was completely covered by his blue hat. When Natasha fell pregnant with Sarah, James was already four years old and her and Steve were worried that James wouldn't like being a brother.

There was no reason to worry, however. James adored his baby sister from the moment he first saw her and that adoration never faded. He was proud to have a sister and looked after her whenever he could.

Steve and Nat were strolling behind their two children. The parks outside of the city were beautiful that season and they went for walks often.

When James stops they quickly catch up to him and Natasha smiles at her son, "Is everything okay?"

James quickly nods his head, "Mommy... can we play at the swings over there?" The kid pointed at a small playground nearby.

Natasha crouched down slightly and looked at her daughter, "Do you want to play too, Sarah?"

The little girl nodded her head slowly and continued to hold onto her brother's hand.

Natasha smiled and stood up again, "Okay then... let's go."

James lit up and carefully pulled his sister towards the playground, "Come on."

Steve and Nat followed closely behind their children walking through the already discolored grass under the trees. The leaves rustled under their steps, as the wind was forcing more and more of the leaves off the limbs of the trees. It created a whirlwind of red and orange and yellow all around them.

Soon the family reached the swings. There were no other people there but the area wasn't highly populated anyway. They rarely met other families there - part of the reason they had decided on living where they did.

Steve carefully lifted Sarah into the swing that was closed on the sides like a highchair while James climbed onto the other swing next to it by himself.

He was too short, however, to make the swing move back and forth by himself.

Natasha started pushing her son on the swing while Steve pushed Sarah, but softer than Nat pushed James.

The children laughed and clearly enjoyed themselves. Steve looked over at Nat every now and then and she smiled back to him brightly. It was truly amazing that they were here now; that they had two children.

When they had first started dating they had both accepted that they would be childless. They hadn't cared as long as they had each other. But then the miracle had happened.

When Natasha had discovered she was pregnant they hadn't exactly known what to do. They were living in a small apartment in the middle of New York City; not exactly suited for a baby.

It took them about three months to move. Everyone had been happy to help and there were quite some houses free where no businesses were located. And then James arrived.

They had been over the moon and it had been more they could ever ask for. They couldn't believe it when Sarah followed. Now the two of them were growing up quickly, way too quickly actually.

Just a few days ago they had talked about how Sarah would be in kindergarten in just a year from now and how James was already in school. He had started just a month ago and it was a whole different experience for Steve and Nat.

In kindergarten it had somehow never been an issue. It was a really small location so maybe nobody really knew them, but now in school they had already been called in to assure they hadn't told anyone James was attending there. They were afraid something might happen.

They had never really thought about it before but now they were more careful. But their walks in the local parks would never be cut.

The children loved playing outside way too much, no matter the weather or season. There was always something they wanted to play.

Now in fall they loved climbing trees and frequenting the playgrounds. In spring and summer they went swimming a lot. In winter they would roll around in the snow and build snowmen and snow-caves again, like they did last year when Sarah had been very little.

Nat and Steve were outdoors people themselves so they were glad it was so easy to find things to do that the whole family enjoyed. Every now and then they made shopping trips into the city or visited the other Avengers and their families, but they always preferred hiking together or going for walks.

James was sometimes stay over at friends' houses and the parents would always tell them how surprised they were about their kids when James was over. Lots of them would usually play games on their consoles when friends were over but James always made them go play football in the garden or play in the snow.

After a while Sarah started to fidget in her swing and asked to be left out. Steve stopped the swing and left his daughter out. James followed her almost immediately and they played together in the grass.

They were making the most of one of the last sunny days in October.


	27. Apodyopsis

**I've decided to not do a sequel to Schnapsidee since I'm really uncomfortable writing steamy stuff. But this is probably the closest you'll get for the rest of this collection.**

**October 27th: Apodyopsis  
(After AoU, before Civil War, Romanogers)**

_apodyopsis [__**a **_– _po – de – op –sis]; noun, English_

_the act of mentally undressing someone_

Steve had never been late to training before. He was supposed to set an example for the young recruits, but today was a first. Not taking the motorcycle had been a mistake since with a car you can't avoid traffic.

He had visited Peggy in the morning and now he was running half an hour late. Quickly Steve had changed into work-out-clothes and was now making his way to the gym.

The others were already there practicing hand-to-hand-combat like he had scheduled together with Nat. Vision didn't need to practice but he assisted Wanda in her training and Nat was sparring with Rhodey.

She had her red hair up in a bun and was wearing work-out-clothes as well.

Steve stopped by the door and watched them in silence, still a bit embarrassed that he was late. With the seconds passing he was focusing more and more on Nat.

Sweat shimmered on her skin but only a thin layer and her clothes hadn't been affected by it yet. Her navy-blue tank top was hugging her hourglass-figure perfectly, as were her tight black leggings.

Small lines under her shirt suggested that she was wearing a sports-bra to stop her breasts from bouncing while she was fighting. That finding, however, made Steve think about how it would look if she wasn't wearing that - or if she wasn't wearing a shirt at all.

Quickly Steve looked down as he felt his cheeks go hot. The image of how Natasha's breasts might look like was hard to get rid of now, especially when he looked up again.

Rhodey now forced Natasha sideward and down, but she escaped but was now turning her back on Steve. His eyes were slowly wandering down her body and stopped at her booty.

Of course tight pants were ideal for boxing but it wasn't particularly helpful if one was trying to not imagine what was underneath those clothes. He knew of long slender legs he had already seen in a short dress. Natasha always pointed out a little scar just above her knee that she had gotten from a knife years ago. To him her legs were perfect even more because of this but he of course didn't say that.

Steve was about to let his eyes wander up her body again, but stopped and looked away.

He shook his head and walked over to where Wanda and Vision were training, pretending he was intensely watching the way they were fighting to give feedback later.

Every now and then Steve's eyes darted across the room, back to Nat, but he fought it and looked back over to Wanda and Vision. With time he noticed Wanda losing concentration, her face red.

This made Steve finally push away the thoughts about Natasha without clothes and he stopped the training. Confused the four people stopped and walked over to him. Steve quickly walked closer to Wanda and Vision.

He eyed Wanda but couldn't see if she was hurt in any way so he asked, "Wanda, are you okay?"

Quickly the young woman nodded her head and the redness in her face intensified, "Mhm... yes, absolutely."

Steve wasn't too convinced she was well so he asked again, "Are you sure? You lost focus quite quickly and your face is red. Are you sick?"

Wanda stumbled over her words as she answered, "I... I feel good. Maybe let's go back to training and not talk about it."

Now Nat was involving herself in the conversation. She was eyeing Wanda sceptically as well, "Wanda... if you don't feel okay, honestly, you need to say it. Your well-being is more important than training being completed for the day."

Wanda shook her head quickly and avoided looking at Nat, "No, I'm really not sick. I'm just hot."

Natasha frowned and stepped closer, "Because of a fever?"

Wanda shook her head harder than before and bit down on her lip before quietly saying, "Is there a word for when you are embarrassed because of someone else."

Surprised Nat thought about it for a moment before saying, "I don't think so... not that I know. But I understand what you mean, but not how it happens to one while training..."

Wanda ran a hand through her hair and continued, "I am not all... all set with my powers yet. Sometimes they just do what they want. And sometimes... I will read minds at random times of random people."

Steve saw where this was going and now it was him again who was red with embarrassment. Natasha noticed it immediately and glanced at him sideways with a 'What the fuck have you done to the kid, Steve?!'-look but at the same time there was an undertone of 'Have I finally infected you with a dirty mind?'

Steve quickly looked down, tapping his foot nervously and didn't see the smirk forming on Natasha's lips. He cleared his voice before quickly saying, "Excuse me... go on without me."

He turned and practically fled the gym as the other three quickly gathered around Wanda urging her to tell them what was going on.


	28. Yuanfen

**If you have been following me for some time already you know I am a little sucker for soulmate AUs. So obviously I couldn't resist and decided on doing one here. This is one where the name of your soulmate appears on your arm when you first say their first name to them.**

**October 28th: Yuanfen  
(During The Avengers, Romanogers-Soulmate-AU)**

缘分 _[__**you **_– _ang – fen]; noun, Chinese_

_a relationship by fate or destiny, the binding force between two people; It takes hundreds of rebirths to bring two persons to ride in the same boat; it takes a thousand eons to bring two persons to share the same pillow. This goes to show just how precious yuánfèn is_

The Chitauri were all over the place by that time and the team was too. While Tony was focusing on those flying things the rest of them stayed on the ground. Thor was helping him every now and then but most of the time he tried to get rid of those aliens who climbed up buildings.

Steve hadn't seen the Hulk for a while now but he was way too busy to care. He had been catapulted out of a window just moments ago but he would need to keep on fighting.

Originally Steve had wanted to keep an eye on Clint but he seemed to be on their side now and after a while he had lost sight of the archer.

Natasha was up on the roof of the tower. Steve had helped her get 'a ride' not too long ago. He assumed she was looking for the scepter and if there was a way to manipulate the portal with it.

Just as Steve was trying to catch his breath two of the alien-creatures started attacking him again. Instantly he rose his shield against them and tried to fend them off quickly. Hopefully the portal would soon be closed. It seemed like there was an endless army waiting on the other end and it was useless fighting the creatures.

Steve managed to fend them off and quickly got on his radio, "Widow? Do you read?"

There was no immediate answer and Steve attacked another Chitauri before ducking under a blast from their weapons, "Agent Romanoff, are you there?"

Frustrated when there was still only white noise he followed up with, "Natasha, come on!"

In that moment he felt a strange burning sensation on his arm. First he thought it was an injury from one of the alien-weapons so he quickly pulled down his glove only to discover something he hadn't expected to find.

In neat black letters a name stretched all across his wrist - Natasha.

The thing he had expected to happen long ago and then hadn't expected to happen at all after the ice had just taken place. He had a soulmate after all. A soulmate who was probably not interested in someone like him. But that was clearly not the right time to worry about this.

When a laser out of a Chitauri weapon hit his shoulder he came back to his senses and immediately dodged the follow-up-attacks. In his ear the radio was finally used.

He heard an impatient 'Captain?' from Nat followed by a 'Rogers, are you still there?' by Tony.

He was about to respond when he heard Natasha again, „Steve? I read..." Then she stopped talking abruptly, likely experiencing the same thing he just had.

* * *

Natasha had just arrived on top of the tower and was looking for the damn scepter. The portal really needed to go down quickly. They wouldn't be able to hold up forever.

She quickly made her way across the roof and spotted the scepter, but then she was attacked by a bunch of Chitauri that seemed to have fallen out of the sky.

On the team-radio she could hear Captain America trying to contact her, "Widow? Do you read?"

Her hand shot up to her ear and she was almost there when one of the aliens pushed her over, likely with the intent to push her off the roof. She fought back immediately and was trying to get the creature off of her when she heard activity on the radio once more, "Agent Romanoff, are you there?"

She rolled her eyes at his impatience and finally managed to get the beasts away from her. Immediately she electrified them and she took shelter under what seemed to be part of the chimney.

Once more she heard the voice of her team-leader, "Natasha, come on!"

Now she reached for the earpiece and responded, "Sorry... yes. I'm good." She waited for the response but the radio was quiet again.

Confused she tried again, "Captain, I read. What do you need?"

A few seconds later there was a response but it wasn't from the person she was waiting for. It was Tony who was talking, "Cap, what's wrong?"

Now she herself was getting impatient and followed up with a 'Captain?'

Natasha peaked out from her hiding place and spotted Loki's scepter on a slightly lower level of the roof. She got up as she heard Tony try again, "Rogers, are you still there?"

Nat looked around to make sure there were no Chitauri around and decided on trying one last time to start contact, "Steve? I read..." She wanted to say something else but a sudden pain in the crook of her left arm cut her off.

She reached the lower level of the roof but pressed against the 'wall' to find some cover. She needed to find out what was wrong. Carefully she pulled down her suit over her shoulder to expose half of her arm.

When she saw what was going on she immediately covered the skin again and closed the zipper of her suit. Taking a shaky breath she started towards the scepter again. That thing was her priority now, before one of the Chitauri would realize it was important.

As she started walking again she finally heard Steve's voice responding, "Good. What is your status? Can you close the portal?" Now it was clear to her why he had taken his time. He had addressed her as 'Natasha' first.

She grabbed it and with her other hand activated the radio again. The stinging in her arm slowly cooled down as she said, "Yes, I might be able to do that. I have found the scepter."

They would need to talk about this. But they were also Avengers now and Avengers need to put their personal lives second and right now saving the world was first.


	29. Exulansis

**I decided to do the missing three stories anyway. Better not take too much unfinished business into 2020 with me. :) So this one is a continuation of the soulmate-AU.**

**October 29th: Exulansis  
(During The Avengers, Romanogers-Soulmate-AU)**

_exulansis [ex_ – _**you**_ – _len – ses ]; noun, English_

_The tendency to give up trying to talk about an experience because people are unable to relate to it_

After they had successfully closed the portal and stopped the alien-attack on New York the Avengers had grabbed something to eat and settled in Tony's tower to get some rest.

Nat, however, didn't feel like resting at all. She paced up and down the halls of the tower, climbed the stairs up and down, watched some workers clear up the damage that had been done to huge parts of the building. She had changed out of her catsuit into some jeans and a t-shirt, exposing her upper-arm partially.

Finally she had climbed down all 1.974 steps from the top floor to the lobby area of the tower. There were still some agents S.H.I.E.L.D. had sent over to secure the scepter, but they were standing in small groups.

She rounded the corner and froze at the sight of the person helping a few of the agents near the door. Steve had also changed out of his uniform, wearing a pair of jeans she could swear were too tight and a night-blue button up shirt. He looked up and stopped talking to the agents mid-sentence.

They looked at him confused and the young woman addressed him hesitantly, "Excuse me... Mr. Rogers, did we do something wrong?"

He quickly shook his head no and looked at the woman briefly. "No, absolutely not. I think you can take care of the matter by yourself now. Please, excuse me."

He didn't wait for an answer and started walking away from them and towards her. Her eyes darted up and down the parts of his skin that were exposed but she didn't see it.

Soon he stopped next to her and sighed. He lifted his left arm in front of his body and pulled the sleeve back just the tiniest bit. "It's small... that's why you couldn't see it."

Nat caught herself staring now. The small letters on his wrist were neat. They formed half of a wristband, only covering the inside.

She tried a small smile and turned slightly so he could see his name on her arm, stretching halfway across her upper-arm, starting just below her sleeve. "This one is not..."

Steve eyed the tattoo-like lettering before glancing sideways to see some of the agents side-eyeing them. Nat saw it too now and glared at them, which caused immediate silence among that group.

She sighed and turned her attention back to Steve. "Maybe this is not the best place to talk..."

He nodded and started walking towards the backdoor. "Let's see if there is still a place where we can grab coffee."

Natasha gladly embraced that idea and followed him to the door saying, "I would like that..."

They walked in silence for about a block. Luckily they dodged the reporters camping out at the main entrance to for sure be the first to get an exclusive interview with one of them, especially Tony Stark.

Now that they were getting further away from the tower there were hardly any people there. Some workers were cleaning up the mess of debris and glass already.

After ten more minutes of walking Steve spotted a small coffee shop that had its lights on. The building was nearly untouched by the battle so the owner had maybe thought it was a nice distraction to stay opened.

They stopped next to the door and Steve opened it up for Nat who rolled her eyes but walked in before him. Natasha immediately fiddled for her wallet but was left frustrated when she realized she hadn't brought it.

Steve just shook his head. "Don't worry... I got this. So..." He nervously scratched the back of his head. "How do you like your coffee?"

Natasha smiled at his try to communicate as if it was a normal day, or a first date or something. She said, "Black, just a bit of sugar, but no milk."

The woman behind the counter stared at them and shifted a bit uncomfortably as Steve addressed her, "Good evening... one black coffee with sugar and one without, please."

The barista nodded and immediately turned around to prepare the order. Natasha chuckled, realizing she recognized them and that's why she was acting like that.

Soon two papercups were placed in front of them and the barista tried a smile. "The... I mean... if you..." She bit her lips before taking a deep breath and trying again. "Sugar is next to the door."

Natasha thanked her, grabbed her cup and walked over there. Steve thanked her too and pulled out his wallet. "How much do I owe you?"

Still in awe she shook her head and stuttered, "No... I... I... you don't need to pay."

Steve smiled and pulled out 10 Dollars. He put it down on the counter and thanked her again before leaving with Natasha.

Nat had started grinning as they walked to a bench nearby and sat down. "We probably scared the shit out of that poor girl."

Steve chuckled before carefully sipping on his coffee and said, "At least she has something to tell once she gets home later."

Natasha also sipped on her coffee before her eyes darted down to his wrist again. She had so much to tell him while at the same time her mind was blank. She had given up on the whole soulmate-thing after years and years of nothing happening. She had been with people before, even had had relationships but none of them were the real deal for her. It had never mattered, but now it clearly did.

Steve was silent all the same, but after taking another sip from his coffee he carefully started talking, "Natasha... I don't really know how this happened... I mean... we can just be friends or something... no pressure... like really, I think... I..." He sighed before looking down. "I don't really know what to think, honestly."

Nat now looked up again. "I don't know either. I have never really thought about this... all of this."

Steve smiled and said, "I would lie if I told you I hadn't too... but I had hoped this would never happen. I was always sure, any woman would be furiously upset to find out some useless prick like me was her soulmate, so better not put her through that."

Natasha shook her head amused. "Seriously? I bet no woman out there would be horrified by that thought. I guess most would dream of it."

Steve furrowed his brow. "Dream of it? I don't think so. A few weeks ago I couldn't have even called her... you... needed to learn how phones worked first."

Natasha now burst out laughing, doing her best not to spill her coffee all over the bench. "This is about the funniest thing I've heard in a long time."

Steve grinned and said, "No! It's true... that's the sad thing about it."

Nat shook her head. "Oh, come on! You try, that's what counts."

Steve shrugged and eyed the coffee again.

Natasha leaned back on the bank and eyed her surroundings. "So... just to clarify, is this a date or what exactly is happening?"

Steve now looked at her again. "I guess that's up to what you want it to be."

Natasha sucked on her bottom lip before letting it go again. "I... I'm not sure. But I guess, I would like it to be a date. This whole soulmate-thing seems serious enough."

Steve managed a smile again. "What a turn of events. Going into it I thought you were with Barton, going out of this we are kind of dating."

Natasha cracked up again and pressed out, "With Barton? Hell no... that guy is my best friend. Alone knowing all the stuff he has done I would not date him."

"I guess that seems legit." Steve emptied his coffee and threw the cup into the bin next to their bench.

Natasha quickly drank the last of hers and stood up. "I guess we should head back... the others can't sleep forever."

Steve nodded and rose from the bench as well. "I guess you're right." They started walking into the direction they came from again, their hands slowly coming closer before they finally met and their fingers entwined.


	30. Finifugal

**I picked a fitting word for this one-shot, which will be the last but one. This one is set right after Tony, Peter and Dr. Strange leave earth with Maw's ship and Vision and Wanda meet in Edinburgh.**

**October 30th: Finifugal  
(During Infinity War, light Romanogers/friendship)**

_finifugal [fi_ – _ni – __**fU**_ – _gal]; adjective, Latin_

_hating endings; of someone who tries to avoid or prolong the final moments of a story, relationship or some other journey_

Steve was sitting on the bed watching TV but not really paying attention when the sound of the blowdryer finally stopped. Right after they had gotten here Natasha had insisted on showering.

Now she was coming out of the bathroom with sweatpants and a fresh t-shirt on. Steve smiled at her. "Feeling better?"

She nodded and let herself fall down on the bed next to him, "Yeah... accidentally spilling coke over my shirt earlier didn't really help."

Steve grinned and said, "I'm still proud you didn't kick this kid off of his skate-board after he pushed you."

Grinning as well Nat said, "See... character development."

Steve looked at his phone briefly. "Wanda still hasn't responded..."

Nat sighed and briefly eyed the TV. "Yeah... but we found out where she is. Let her have space. From here we can come get her in five minutes if she needs us."

Steve nodded, "Yeah, I guess. But if we didn't hack into her phone we would not be able to do that. It's dangerous, Nat..."

Natasha sighed again and started talking, "Yes... I see, but..."

She was interrupted by a news broadcast.

_Express news! We would like to apologize for the interruption of the programm. This is breaking news! An alien-ship caused distruction in the general area of Central Park. Iron Man, Spider Man and a flying wizard were fighting the aliens for about 15 minutes before vanishing with the ship. There are no news. Tony Stark is missing! We will keep you up to date throughout the night._

Silence washed over the hotel room. Natasha slowly looked away from the TV to face Steve. She was about to speak up again when something buzzed in Steve's bag.

He jumped up immediately and started throwing out clothing. In a matter of seconds he pulled out a flip-phone. He opened it with shaky hands and raised it to his ear. "Tony?"

What followed was a ten minute phone-call.

Steve responded to the caller on the other end quickly after they had discussed everything, "Listen, Bruce... I see, I'll gather everyone. We are coming back to New York right now."

They hung up and Steve let his hand sink.

Natasha now stood up from the bed too and looked at him concerned. "What's going on? Was that Bruce...?"

Steve nodded. "Yeah. He said he was in space with Thor because that's where the quinjet took the Hulk. And he came back because Thanos attacked them, that's apparently some alien who was responsible for New York in 2012. And now he is coming for something, some magic stones. And they took Tony... Bruce has no idea what happened to Thor. We need to go back to New York right now! Let's get Wanda and Vision."

Natasha nodded slowly. "I should... I'll go wake up Sam then, I guess."

Steve swallowed hard before saying, "I guess so... I guess we're going back."

Looking down Natasha whispered, "Are you sure they won't arrest us?"

Steve walked over to her and carefully took Nat's hand in his free hand. "They got bigger problems going on right now. They need us."

Natasha bit down on her lip and looked up to face him. "I guess this is the last hotel we'll be staying in then."

Steve smiled a bit. "Yeah... at least something on the bright side."

Nat let out a chuckle and said, "Not entirely... I'm going to miss this, you know."

Steve ran his thumb over the back of her hand. "Me too... I almost got used to sharing a room."

Nat tightened the grip on his hand when the TV played their breaking-news-music again.

_Breaking news for the Edinburgh area. Avoid the central train station at all cost. There's a fight between aliens and Vision and the Scarlet Witch happenening right now. We will keep you up to date with footage from our helicopter._

Immediately Nat let go of Steve's hand. "I'm waking Sam up right now! Let's meet at the train-station."


	31. Ta-ra

**Last one (finally!). This one could alternatively be titled: Five times they said 'Goodbye' and the one time they didn't.**

**October 31st: Ta-ra  
(Throughout the MCU, light Romanogers)**

_ta-ra [tæ_ – _ra:]; sentence substitute, British English (Northern England)_

_goodbye; farewell_

**One**

And in the blink of an eye the Asgardian Gods were gone, leaving behind only a symbol on the ground.

Quickly their little group dissolved. Tony was the first to drive away, taking Bruce with him. Leaving only Nat, Clint and him.

With a smile Steve turned away from the taking off car toward the other two, "I guess I'm going home too."

Natasha slowly nodded, "Are you sure? Will you go back to laying low?"

Steve furrowed his brow, "I don't know... can I do that after all this?"

Smiling Natasha said, "Could be hard... you got fangirls now, Rogers."

Steve rolled his eyes and frowned. "That's horrible... they should find someone who actually deserves that."

Nat grinned. "Don't be so dramatic. You are actually great in combat, in a team. Maybe you would be great working for S.H.I.E.L.D. You know, like us."

Clint now spoke up as well, "Yeah. That would be pretty cool. We can talk to Fury."

Steve hesitated. "Are you guys sure?"

Natasha nodded and said, "Of course. We'll do it first thing tomorrow when we go back."

Steve smiled, "Thank you. Then see you soon, I guess."

Clint just nodded once while Nat patted his shoulder briefly. "Bye, see you soon."

**Two**

Sam was driving the car they borrowed from Fury. It was saver for them to get to the airport that way. They still needed to switch the real chancellor out for Natasha and since Sam and himself couldn't do anything else after stealing the suits they went with her.

Steve and Nat were sitting next to each other in the back of the car. Steve was looking out of the window, watching the other cars pass by. Nat was in silence as well but she was looking at Steve.

After a while he noticed her eyes on him and turned, telling her, "Are you okay?"

Nat paused before saying, "Kind of."

Steve blinked a few times before responding, "Do you have a bad feeling about the plan?"

Shaking her head Natasha leaned back slightly. "No. It's not that. I will be okay, I can handle Pierce. I have a bad feeling about you and Sam going alone against half of S.H.I.E.L.D, who are actually Hydra."

Steve smiled, "It's okay, Nat... Sam can fly and I am not easy to get to. We are just the ones installing the software. Three helicarriers, should be doable by two people."

Natasha pressed her lips together before speaking up again, "I know, I know. But like I told you... he is going to be there and he's pretty good."

Steve's smile faded away now, "Maybe I can help him in a way... he's being taken advantage of."

Natasha's voice came out louder than before now, "He's dangerous! Please Steve... promise me, you'll not prioritize his life over yours."

Steve looked down briefly before facing her again. "Nat, he's my best friend."

There was hurt in her eyes and her voice grew from pleading to cold, "You haven't seen him in 70 years. If he's your best friend, a person you don't know anymore... what am I?"

Steve bit down on his bottom lip at that, "That's not what I meant. You know, you are my partner, I trust you."

Natasha shot him another look as the car stopped. "Then trust me on this one! Watch out! And don't die on me... seriously."

Steve looked her in the eye. "You too... Be careful, Nat."

Natasha hesitated and carefully picked her words, "Thanks Steve... Goodbye."

He whispered a 'Goodbye' too before she was out the door and shut it in his face.

**Three**

Her phone started ringing, Nat was startled awake and shot a look at her digital clock before picking it up from the nightstand. It was around 3 AM.

Groggily Nat stared at the screen. An unknown number. She hesitated for a second before answering anyway, "Yes? Who is this?"

The voice on the other end of the line was steady, but quiet, "Nat. It's Steve."

In an instant Nat was fully awake. "Steve, where are you?"

Steve sighed. "Obviously I can't tell you."

Natasha stared at the wall thinking if Tony was monitoring her phone. "Why are you calling me in the middle of the night?"

There was a moment of silence before Steve started talking again, "I'm sorry. I didn't think about what time it was."

Natasha gritted her teeth. "Yeah, what do you want to tell me?"

"Wanda is with me. Clint brought her in. She's doing good. I know you worry."

A wave of relieve washed over Nat. She hadn't heard any news after Clint and Wanda took off from the Facility. Wanda was a close friend and obviously so was Clint. "Thank God... but why did you have to do that? Why put her in that situation?"

Steve sighed again. "She didn't like what Tony did to her. And Clint is with me because it's his own free will, too."

Natasha now got more frustrated and it showed in her voice, "And now you're calling me to join you as well? Are you insane, Rogers?"

Steve quickly tried to calm her and said, "No, no... Nat. I respect your choice to support the Sokovia Accords. I'm sad, of course, but I respect you. I just wanted to tell you... I... I..."

He paused, giving Nat the opportunity to respond, "Steve... are you alright?"

He swallowed audibly before continuing, "Yes... I just meant to tell you... You mean so much to me. I have known you for years, we have been through a lot. You are incredibly strong and helped me so much. I... I adore you, Nat. And I know shit is about to go down soon between Tony and me... and everyone else, I guess. And I just needed you to know I love you."

Nat's hand started shaking and she held back a sob. After taking a deep breath she said in a low voice, "Steve... please don't make this so hard. Thank you... really. You are important to me too. I can't speak to you any longer, I'm sorry. Goodbye."

Before Steve could finish his 'Goodbye' to her, her hanging up cut him off.

**Four**

"Looking good, Romanoff." Sam's voice reached them over the radio, tiny in-ear-technology that wasn't visible at all.

Natasha smiled as she continued walking through the park, holding onto Steve's arm. Steve rolled his eyes and whispered, "Stop flirting, Sam, concentrate on the target."

Sam was clearly amused by that command. "Yeah, yeah, alright, Mr. Wagner. Don't worry about me stealing Mrs. Wagner."

Natasha kept the smile on her face but mumbled, "Sam... seriously stop. This is tense."

The mission was high risk. Them acting as a German couple who made millions with real estate at just the right time. The target was a Romanian underground boss known only as Blue who officially made his money through stocktrading, but unofficially through human trafficking. Taking him out would mean a huge success for tearing the whole organization apart.

Steve got drinks for both of them while carefully watching the target across the bar. He got back to Natasha and handed her a martini. He put an arm around her waste while starting what looked like casual small talk from across the room, "He's without company today. Looks good for what we had in mind."

Natasha sipped on her drink carfully. "You really think he would leave the party with me alone?"

Steve smiled and put his glass down on the bar table closest to them. "Come on. You're drop dead gorgeous. How could he not be interested?"

Natasha now put her drink on the table as well and said, "I mean... he's clearly a soulless monster. I'm not sure if he's interested."

„If he isn't, then honestly, he would at least be interested in selling you."

Nat considered that for a moment and shrugged. "Guess you're right."

Steve's eyes quickly flickered over her shoulder and immediately he pulled her closer and said under his breath, "Oh shit..."

The smile was ever so present on Nat's lips but her eyes expressed uncertainty. "What?"

Steve took her hand in his and slowly led her in the opposite direction of where he was looking, as if they were strolling. "Agent Nolan, a.k.a. What's left of Hydra and friends are here. They're gonna recognize us."

Sam's voice was now concerned, "Really. How didn't we see that? Get out of there now."

Natasha shook her head the tiniest bit. "No... I'm here to kill an asshole. We are not leaving. We can handle it."

Sam pleaded with her. "Natasha, it's too dangerous..."

Nat sighed, "Sorry, Sam. Keep quiet now."

As they were passing a fountain Nat's eyes darted across the water and she whispered, "Steve... two of them are following us. Follow suit with what I do and we'll be okay."

Steve nodded briefly and squeezed her hand briefly to let her know he understood.

Nat navigated the both of them farther away from the party and to the entrance of the rose garden, which had a huge arch as it's entrance. She pushed him against one of its walls and just as the Hydra agents walked by she started kissing him.

Right away Steve put his arms around her waist and let one wander down to her butt, kissing her back. What she had taught him would never be ineffective. Public displays of affection make people very uncomfortable.

The agents looked at them briefly, but as soon as they saw her leg moving up the side of his thigh they turned away as if they had no business there after all.

One of them murmured something into his phone and they walked away.

When they were out of sight for sure Natasha pulled back and grinned. "This wasn't so bad..."

Steve couldn't help but grin as well, "Must be the practice."

Sam's voice interrupted them once again, "I don't mean to interfere with anything but Blue is walking into the house alone. Probably needs to piss or something. This is your chance Nat."

Natasha nodded and thanked Sam before turning to Steve again, "Don't let them see you, stay low. I'll let you know if I need you."

Steve nodded and just as she turned to go he grabbed her arm and pulled her close again, pressing his lips on hers once more, whispering, "Goodbye Nat... stay safe."

She returned the kiss and smiled, "Bye Steve... you too." She quickly wiped his mouth with her hand to get rid of the red lipstick before walking towards the house.

And for once Sam stayed quiet.

**Five**

The Chitauri were appearing out of nowhere seemingly everywhere. This felt awfully familiar but this time they had those huge machines that shook the ground and cut whole swaths of Wakandan land away.

Natasha was on the ground two of the aliens attacking her when to her surprise they were both pulled off and thrown to the ground a few feet away. She quickly picked herself up to see Steve behead the creatures and fend off another.

"Are you hurt?" He was panting the slightest bit, but noticeable.

She quickly shook her head. "No, thank you. I'm good."

He nodded but couldn't say anything else before two more of the Chitauri warriors dropped down next to them.

Immediately Nat shot her Widow's bites at one of them while Steve punched the other one to the ground.

He turned to her again and said, "Have you seen that Thor got here? He's alive!"

Natasha nodded and smiled. „Yes, I'm glad! After what Bruce told us I didn't have all that much hope."

Steve nodded again and looked out for more of the alien-creatures, "Me neither... but I guess that also means it can't be long until that Thanos-guy arrives."

Natasha eyed the ground. "This is our only chance, isn't it?"

Steve sighed and opened his mouth to answer her, but instead his eyes grew wide and he ran the few steps that separated them towards her and pushed her down.

A split second later one of those huge machines that created ditches in moments rolled by. Nat felt Steve's grip tighten around her as the machine passed them. He finally let go again, falling backward into the ditch created by the weapon.

In an instant Natasha rose to her feet and jumped down next to him screaming, "Steve! Come on, get up! It can come back..."

He grimaced for a moment before putting his stoic expression back on and sitting up. "It won't come back... not enough targets."

With a concerned expression Nat side-eyed him. "Are you hurt?"

He shook his head and was about to stand up. "No... let's get back up there."

A hand on his sleeve pulled him back down. "No, stop being Captain America for a moment! I want to talk to Steve."

Steve gritted his teeth and looked down. "Nat... there's no time. The others need us."

She shook her head and looked him firmly in the eye, "Steve. Listen. I know you know how this looks. All of this. You're not stupid."

He sighed and dropped his facade once and for all. "We at least have to try."

Natasha nodded and sighed. "I know... but let me first tell you, just in case..."

Steve's eyes blinked with concern, just like on Sokovia all of those years ago, "Don't... let's at least pretend we'll live."

Nat swallowed hard before pulling him close, her lips meeting his in a soft and desperate kiss, silencing him successfully.

Brushing her hand over his cheek Nat softly said, "So just in case we'll die, I love you and goodbye."

Every cell in Steve's body was overwhelmed with surprise, but also fear. If Natasha told him something like that their chances were close to zero. He kept himself together and said, "I love you too, goodbye, Nat."

A bunch of Chitauri spotted the two of them down there in that moment and they started to flood the ditch. Quickly Steve pulled Nat up and they fled to find the battlefield like it was before.

Almost instantly they were separated by Chitauri attacking them, pulling them in different directions.

**And then there were none**

Their plan was rock-solid, or at least that's what they telling themselves. The Raccoon had agreed so how bad could it be?

That wasn't really important, anyway. If getting everyone back, making things right meant to go to a weird planet she had never been to before, not knowing what it would take to get a magical stone then whatever! She'd do it, whatever it takes.

Natasha's eyes focused on her image in the mirror again. She was wearing that weird white suit Tony had designed for time travel. Time travel. It was exactly as insane as it sounded.

Suddenly there were footsteps on the floor coming closer to her. She could see her visitor walking up to her in the mirror.

"Natasha... they are saying the portal is ready now. Are you coming?"

Quickly she nodded and turned around. Steve was wearing his suit too. He started to look more like himself again lately - not slumped over all the time, dread being replaced by new hope.

She hoped the plan had the same effect on her, but she didn't really think years of crying and feeling like shit could be erased by a few days of hope.

Instead she focused on her mission again - find the Soul-Stone and bring it back to Bruce and Tony who can build a gauntlet like the one Thanos used.

Natasha started walking next to Steve, upstairs to where they had erected the portal.

Everyone else now joined them in their walk towards the portal. They stopped in front of the platform and Steve walked them through the plan once again.

After a few instructions from Bruce and Clint receiving the spaceship from Rocket they all took their position next to the machine, on the platform.

Natasha took a deep breath and smiled. A real, genuine smile fueled by the certainty that this time they would win. She looked up to Steve, meeting his eyes with hers, strong and driven.

Her voice came out cheerful and a bit excited, "See you in a minute."

He smiled back at her. Blue eyes clashing with green eyes what would turn out to be the last time.

And they pressed the buttons, vanishing into the portal.

**Thanks for following this story all the way through! I love y'all. Hope you're having a wonderful 2020 so far. If you feel like it, I really enjoy reading reviews! Ta-ra.**


End file.
